My husband and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage this month.  This is also our “dating anniversary”, with our first date taking place 21 years (!!) ago.  We’ve been together longer than we’ve been apart in our lives!  Our relationship at this moment is solid – we’re continuing to build our love for and intimacy with each other - but there was a time not too long ago that I wondered how I would survive being married to my husband “’til death do us part.”  I can assure you that he felt the same way about me. So, what change makes me think we can make it?  We’re growing up. *sigh*

Growing up is hard to do, and so is being a grownup when things get tough.  It’s much easier to react (or withdraw) out of intense emotions than to hit the pause button, stay connected, and study my part in a conflict- facing it head-on.  This is what Hal Runkel, LMFT addresses in his new book, Scream Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer.

So, what exactly is emotional reactivity?  Can I be “Scream Free”??  Here is a list of the top 5 ways Runkel says we  “scream”(if not on the outside, then on the inside), or become emotionally reactive in marriage:

1.     We scream – literally.  This is the most common form of reactivity, and is usually done as a way to protect ourselves when we’re feeling unloved, unappreciated, disrespected, and hurt.  Unfortunately, the “it” that we’re losing when we’re “losing it” is our adulthood, as well as the maturity it takes to handle the situation. But maybe you don’t scream out loud.  Maybe, for you, “screaming” is…

2.     Distancing ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves.  The idea is that distancing will prevent the explosion in #1, or any other uncomfortable confrontation and emotional pain.  Unfortunately, emotional distance becomes the new norm for the couple and precludes any deep connection or true intimacy.  This may appear functional, but only superficially.  The relationship may stay “peaceful,” but it’s a cold war type of peace.

3.     We cut ourselves off completely. This is distancing on steroids.  Think divorce here. The problem is that it doesn’t work… even if you’re able to cut off future contact (which won’t happen if you have children), there will always be an emotional history.

4.     We fall into an overfuntioning/underfunctioning pattern in the relationship.  One person takes on a majority of the responsibility, until resentment kicks in.  Or, until the “underfuntioner” steps up, and then the “overfuntioner” is anxious about losing her “role”. 

5.     We triangulate – a fancy way of saying that we pull a third party into the two-party relationship in order to relieve the anxiety in the relationship.  Picture the wife calling her mom to complain about her husband or the couple who doesn’t talk about anything other than their children.  This is an attempt for the two to avoid addressing the issues between them, which blocks intimacy.

Continue to learn more about Runkel’s tips on remaining calm in the face of conflict and thereby building intimacy by checking our Renewal Blog each Wednesday at http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/renewal-blog.html

Here’s to growing up!

----Yolanda

I was sitting in Chick-Fil-A recently, having just finished my chicken noodle soup, and had a few minutes to people-watch. I tend to be especially observant when it comes to interactions between parents and their children, in hopes of adding new ideas to my "tool box" to help my clients.

This day, however, I felt like I was riding a time machine as I watched a dad try to get his two young ones out of the playground. Particularly, the memory that collided through my mind was my being several months pregnant with my second child while trying to coax my oldest, 2 years old at that time, into leaving. The scenario I witnessed recently ended with dad raising his voice, making a scene, and picking up one screaming child while pulling the other screaming child behind him. The scene that occurred more than a dozen years ago that I flashed back to ended with ME yelling, creating a scene, and CLIMBING UP INTO THE PLAYGROUND (pregnant belly and all) to drag my darling child down and out of the restaurant.

Oh, the joys of discipling in public. Where everyone is watching. And you wish the whole earth would swallow you up.

I often tell my clients that I don't claim to do the parenting thing perfectly, and heavens knows that my kids are not perfect-- but I've made enough mistakes to warn about what NOT to do, and studied parents and kids enough to get an idea of what can work. Here are some thoughts. Please feel free to add what has worked for you.

1. Be non-reactive. Kids are experts in picking up on your emotional state. Like our canine furry friends, they can smell fear (and anger, desperation, etc.) a mile away, so it's very important to keep a handle on your emotions. Remaining calm reminds them who is in charge.

2. Keep it down. Children are intrigued by adults talking very quietly-- probably because they expect us to yell. Using a quiet, calm voice will help them listen as you voice your expectation of them, along with the resulting consequence. Also, I happened to stumble upon a little "psss, psss" sound that somehow catches my kids' attention every time... even now. It's been very handly to use to get their attention from across the room to give them "the look".

3. Keep it under wraps. The idea of discipline is not to embarrass the child,
especially in public. Save the intense discipline and implementation of consequences for a private place. Before you discipline, make sure the behavior you are expecting is age and child appropriate -- that you're not disciplining out of embarrassment, expecting a 3 year old to sit still during a 4 course meal, or asking your tired 5 year old to go on a shopping marathon.

You can be sure that your child will test limits, especially in a public place, to see if your boundaries remain firm. It's not usually fun, but is survivable. What are your tips for handling misbehavior in a public place?