Life Renewal Counseling

Here in Florida, and in much of the southeast, the weather has been rather rainy and gloomy.  As I type this, a tropical storm is headed our direction which means, of course, more clouds and rain.  To say the least, this has put a damper on summer in the Sunshine State!

I don't know about you, but too many grey days lead to a grim state of mind.  (This, coincidently, is why I don't live in the Pacific Northwest!  Way too many rain days there!)  After two or three days of rain, I find myself feeling a little down-in-the-dumps, both physically and mentally, and wonder if the sun will ever make another appearance.  

That's when I have to make an effort to make my own "sunshine".  I found a bright tangerine pair of pants that lift my mood.  I make sure to get extra rest, get some indoor exercise, play lively music, and surround myself with positive people.  I challenge my negative thoughts that perhaps I should brush up on the story of Noah and start building an Ark to save mankind from the next flood (a slight exaggeration!!).

What about you?  Does the weather affect your mood?  How do you create your own sunshine on gloomy days?

My last post sparked some conversation in the Harper Home when I got my new driver's ok to post about him**.  Surprisingly, new driver's brother piped up and asked, "When are you going to write about me, mom?"  Sure thing, Bubba!

You see, this is my normally very quiet, low-key, compliant child who asks for very little.  Granted, we are officially in teenage-dom so dynamics have changed a bit, but this is the child who does what he is asked, completes school assignments without my having to check on his progress, and generally does not create strife or conflict in the house.  Because he does not demand the same kind of time, attention, and discipline as other family members, he's the child that easily gets "lost".  Did I mention he's also a middle child??  Poor kid!

So often, I get caught up in the challenges of raising the "spirited" and "strong willed" of my children that I forget that raising the "easy" child comes with challenges of its own; namely, that he's not as outspoken about his desires, dreams, wants, and needs.  And, to be honest, there are times that I create tension in our relationship in attempts to elicit communication about what's going on in that genius mind of his and make sure he doesn't get "lost" in the chaos.  

I think that we, as parents, so often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children regarding our relationship with them.  I have some image in my head that quality time should involve x-amount of dialogue and certain activities, when this child really is perfectly content to hang out, watch a movie, and enjoy a meal with very little conversation.  I need to respect who he is as a person and be ok with us talking about his interest in video games or soccer before I tread lightly onto heavier topics.  

So, I'll grab the Doritos and you grab the remote, son.  Let's chill!
--Yolanda

** read about that here:  http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/1/post/2013/01/that-out-of-control-feeling.html

No matter how old you are-13, 30, or 60-there are certain emotional needs you have that you may not even be aware of.  From appreciation, to support, to respect, to comfort, there are things that strike a cord so deep within us we often don’t even tell others we need them. 

Why do we do that?  Here are a few core reasons. 

1.      Sometimes we don’t communicate our intimacy needs because we don’t know what they are.

2.      Other times it is because when we have shared our deepest intimacy needs before we have been met with hurt or disappointment. 

3.      Maybe it is because we don’t feel safe enough with anyone to risk being rejected if we dare to share our needs.

4.      Or, it could be that we have built up a brick wall around our heart that doesn’t allow anyone in to even attempt to meet our needs. 

It could be any of these reasons, or a host of others that I haven’t named, but the end result is the same.  If my needs are met there is great potential for meaningful closeness with those in my life.  If those same needs go unmet, there is great pain that follows us like the cloud that hovered over “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh. 

The reality is that sharing my deepest needs makes me vulnerable and it’s risky.  But, I want to suggest to you that it is well worth the risk.  Just like with return on investment—the more you risk the greater the potential return. When you see that couple that has been married for 30 years but they still have stars in their eyes when they see each other from across the room, or the father and his child who connect with each other on a level you wish you had experienced with your dad, those longings are the key to identifying your deepest intimacy needs. 

So, what do we do with this information?  Here are a few suggestions…

1.      Discover what your intimacy needs are if you don’t know them.  A great resource for this is any text by Dr. David Ferguson or come in and we can help.

2.      If you know what your needs are and you’ve been hiding them, confess that to God and to the person who longs to really know you so you can start fresh. 

3.      If you’ve been withholding intimacy from your partner because of past hurt, get help to work through it and offer an olive branch by meeting your partner’s intimacy needs unselfishly without any expectations in return. 

4.      Commit to experience a new level of intimacy by understanding and meeting the needs of those you love, be it kids, parents, spouses, or best friends. 

My prayer is that intimacy would bring a fulfillment to your relationships that you have never know, as you make your relationships a mirror image of how God loves us and longs to meet our needs. 

----Jennifer    

Did you know?? (According to Psychology Today's October 2012 issue):

1. We automatically give a gender to everything, even when doing so doesn't make much sense. Those who speak or have studied a foreign language can attest to assignment of gender to words.

2. A pair seems more nurturing than one. We associate the number 1 with autonomy -- stereotypically a male trait -- while the association that we make with 2 is that of relationship and community -- more feminine traits. 

3. Even numbers are less cognitively taxing. Think about how much easier it is to count to 100 by even numbers than it is to count to 99 by odd numbers.

Now you know!

f the image that you drew is distressing, or is one that you would like to change, then try writing a Transformational Goal.  For example, if your initial goal was to express a feeling of stress regarding a relationship, a transformational goal might be an expression of what peace would look like in the situation.

Write this Transformational Goal on the page following your initial drawing. Close your eyes and ask your mind to show you how to change the picture into what you want it to be.  Then, draw the new image.

A = Access (see the picture)
R = Release (draw the picture)
T = Transform (change the picture)

• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

-- Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

As you become more comfortable with your visual journaling through regular practice, you’ll find that you are able to use Visual Journaling as not only an expression, but also to reduce stress, release and heal old emotional wounds, overcome fear, and help work through conflicting emotions regarding a situation.

One way to achieve these benefits is though written journaling after drawing your image.  (I generally like to write on the left-hand side page of my journal, opposite of my image and under my intention statement.)  Ask yourself the following questions (or others, if you’d like):

• How does this journal drawing make me feel?
• How does my body feel now after drawing this?
• How do these colors relate to what I was feeling?
• Does anything about my picture bother me?
• Does my picture hold any special meaning or message for me?
• What can I learn about myself from my drawing?
• How do I feel about the situation or emotions that caused me to draw this?
• Would I like to change this feeling or situation in my life?



• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

After you have imagined your image – or the colors and shapes that would best express your physical sensation and what you’re feeling – open your eyes and draw!  When you’re done, prop up your journal and take a look at it from a distance, then up close again.  Many people are surprised by their ability to express themselves via Visual Journaling.

Be aware of judgmental thoughts as you visualize, draw, and observe your final result.  If these thoughts begin to intrude, focus again on your breath and bring your awareness back to the area you were previously focusing.  If you’ve done this and judgmental thoughts continue to intrude, switch to drawing with your nondominant hand, which will shift you back into your nonjudgmental right-side brain.


• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

n Step Three, you use Guided Visualization to imagine what the physical sensation/emotion would look like if it were an image.

To do this, “quiet the mind” and focus your attention on your body, focusing on the specific physical sensation you would like to get a better understanding of or express. Then, imagine what this physical sensation might look like if it were an image, or what colors , shapes, and forms would best express it.

• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

The body expresses emotion through physical sensation – how does your body express joy (smiling), anger (tense muscles), and fear (an uneasiness in the stomach)? The way to access these physical sensations is to disconnect with your thoughts, or “quiet the mind.”

Try this exercise in body-centered awareness:
• Sit comfortably and take three deep breaths, concentrating on the rise and fall of your chest as you do so.
• Take three more breaths and imagine yourself breathing in light and breathing out color – any color. Feel your body relax and continue this pattern until it feels natural and comfortable.
• Now allow your focus to move away from your breath and to any part of your body that draws your attention. If you are not drawn to any particular place, focus your awareness on where you would like to be more present.
• Focus on that part of the body. What does it feel like to be there?

This activity might feel awkward as most of us are not used to stillness. Many of us are not aware of the link between physical sensation and emotions until our body forces us to be (racing heart + sweaty palms + tense muscles + shortness of breath = anxiety = panic attack). Again, practice makes perfect! 

• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

-- Yolanda 
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

Before you begin a visual journaling session, it’s important to set an intention that describes what you want from the experience, a person, reason, or goal for the time. 

This intention includes what you want, as well as what you DON’T want – your left-brain’s judgmental interpretation of your image.  If you begin to sense these judgmental thoughts, refocus on your original intention.

Write this intention in your journal before you begin drawing.  I prefer to write my intention on the left-hand-page of my opened journal, leaving the entire right-hand-page for the expression of my intention.

Examples of intentions include:

•  I intend to connect with the feeling of tension in my stomach.
•  I want to understand the mood swings I’ve been experiencing.
•  I want to draw the joy and peace I’ve been feeling lately.
•  I feel timid about the start of this process, and I want to find the source of that timidity by drawing it.

What is your intention for your journal entry today?

•   Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--- Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org