Life Renewal Counseling

There's a new driver in our home, and there are few things that cause me to feel more out-of-control than being a passenger in a vehicle in which the driver is still trying to figure out what he is doing.  Don't get me wrong... he's a good driver, and I'm proud of myself for responding so calmly... for the most part.

But every once in a while, there's that primal, knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reaction that frazzles him and ages me about 10 years.  Isn't that just like life and, especially, parenting??  The ride is going along smoothly, until you hit a bump in the road and find yourself responding with a slowdown...SlowDown...SLOWDOWN!!!!

So much of what we face as parents is frightening, and as our children grow older the consequences of their actions become more serious.  Like 2 tons of metal barreling down the road serious.  And as much as there are times that I would like to grab the steering wheel and swerve us back on my course, that decision has consequences of its own.  Mostly, my trying to steer doesn't allow him to learn for himself and, let's face it... I'm not always going to be around to take control of the wheel.

In this season, my job is to ride shotgun, give guidance and direction, and impose consequences (take the keys) as needed.  It's not always a comfortable ride, but at the end of the road I hope to have an amazing relationship with a confident young man who chooses to do the right thing on his own and accepts responsibilities for his actions, both good and bad.  We'll take a few detours along the way, I'm sure, but isn't life about the journey and not the destination??

--Yolanda

No matter how old you are-13, 30, or 60-there are certain emotional needs you have that you may not even be aware of.  From appreciation, to support, to respect, to comfort, there are things that strike a cord so deep within us we often don’t even tell others we need them. 

Why do we do that?  Here are a few core reasons. 

1.      Sometimes we don’t communicate our intimacy needs because we don’t know what they are.

2.      Other times it is because when we have shared our deepest intimacy needs before we have been met with hurt or disappointment. 

3.      Maybe it is because we don’t feel safe enough with anyone to risk being rejected if we dare to share our needs.

4.      Or, it could be that we have built up a brick wall around our heart that doesn’t allow anyone in to even attempt to meet our needs. 

It could be any of these reasons, or a host of others that I haven’t named, but the end result is the same.  If my needs are met there is great potential for meaningful closeness with those in my life.  If those same needs go unmet, there is great pain that follows us like the cloud that hovered over “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh. 

The reality is that sharing my deepest needs makes me vulnerable and it’s risky.  But, I want to suggest to you that it is well worth the risk.  Just like with return on investment—the more you risk the greater the potential return. When you see that couple that has been married for 30 years but they still have stars in their eyes when they see each other from across the room, or the father and his child who connect with each other on a level you wish you had experienced with your dad, those longings are the key to identifying your deepest intimacy needs. 

So, what do we do with this information?  Here are a few suggestions…

1.      Discover what your intimacy needs are if you don’t know them.  A great resource for this is any text by Dr. David Ferguson or come in and we can help.

2.      If you know what your needs are and you’ve been hiding them, confess that to God and to the person who longs to really know you so you can start fresh. 

3.      If you’ve been withholding intimacy from your partner because of past hurt, get help to work through it and offer an olive branch by meeting your partner’s intimacy needs unselfishly without any expectations in return. 

4.      Commit to experience a new level of intimacy by understanding and meeting the needs of those you love, be it kids, parents, spouses, or best friends. 

My prayer is that intimacy would bring a fulfillment to your relationships that you have never know, as you make your relationships a mirror image of how God loves us and longs to meet our needs. 

----Jennifer    

The next step toward Extreme Self-Care is to learn how to let go of control. If you’re not sure if you have control problems, ask yourself if you:

• Feel the need to refold towels or reload the dishwasher so that it’s done the “right” way.

• feel like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders

• chronically complain about how much you have to do

• dream about packing a bag and heading to a desert island

• find yourself crying, or feeling like you need a good cry, at unexpected places

• yelling at the dog, your spouse and/or child(ren), or at drivers in front of you who are driving the speed limit

• are so exhausted that the idea of brushing your teeth feels like too much work.




There are many reasons why people don't like to ask for help. See if any sound familiar...

* "I don't want to appear weak."

* "It takes too much time/energy to explain what I need."

* "I hate being disappointed when people don't follow through."

* "It's too much trouble to fight with family members who resist helping."

* "I don't want to hear no."

* "I don't want to feel indebted to anyone."

Behind these excuses is a desire to... yep, you guessed it... remain in control.

-- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson

www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

According to The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson:

"If you currently feel that you're not organized or grounded, there's a good chance that the peace of mind you long for lies in your ability to create a natural rhythm in your life..."

Creating routines can be a "surprisingly powerful act of Extreme Self Care."

These routines can be formed in both your personal and professional life, such as:

* Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day.

* Working out at the same time each week.

* Scheduling a work meeting at the same time each week.

* Meditating

* Going for a walk

* Spending time with a loved one

* Checking voicemail and email at predetermined times during the day.

* Giving yourself 20 minutes at the end of the day to tie up loose ends.

Choose one thing and focus on it for a week. At the end of the week, ask yourself if the new routine has helped you feel more relaxed, less overwhelmed, and/or more productive.

www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

Guidelines for staying strong while taking good care of yourself:

1. Buy some time.

When someone asks you to do something, put some space between the request and your answer. Before automatically agreeing, tell the person that you'll get back to them.

Second, let the person know up front that you may not be able to commit. Telling a person right away that you're cutting back on your hectic schedule takes pressure off you and encourages the person asking for help to consider other options sooner rather than later.

2. Do a gut check.

Check to see if the request that's being made of you is something you'd really like to do. Rating your desire on a scale of 1-10 might help, as well as asking yourself, "If I knew this person wouldn't be angry, disappointed, or upset, would I say no?"

Often, we respond to other's desires before considering our own needs. Certainly, there will be times that we do things for others we would rather not do, in order to be supportive of the relationship. Make sure these things are done to show love or strengthen connection, not out of guilt or obligation (which can lead to resentment).

3. Tell the truth directly - with grace and love.

-- Be honest about how you feel without over explaining yourself. Be genuine in your explanation, but don't give the impression that you're open to any discussion.

-- Stick to one or two concise lines about why you cannot fulfill the request.

-- Offer a recommendation, if you have one, as to how the person might be helped.

Remember, you are responsible TO others to tell the truth with respect and care, but you are NOT responsible FOR their emotions. Don't measure success by the response you receive from the other person, but by how you feel once your anxiety about the conversation disappears. More than likely, you'll feel a sense of relief!

-- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson

www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

Part of extreme self-care is learning to say no to things that are not healthy for you. This means that we will let others down, something many of us are uncomfortable doing.

For the remainder of this week, we will look at some guidelines for staying strong in saying no while taking good care of yourself.

Your first priority in learning to place healthy boundaries, however, is to surround yourself with a support system that will make it easier for you "to tell and live your truth". These people can be a spouse, friends, or coworkers and will hold you up as you take your first wobble steps toward self-care.

Who will you turn to for support??

--  Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson

"Awareness is a powerful catalyst for positive change".

Become aware of the areas in your life that you feel drained and the ways in which you deprive yourself of what you need (sleep, exercise, "down" time).

What do you need more of right now?

What do you need less of?

Who or what is causing you to feel resentful and why?

Taking the time to answer these questions will help you gain greater clarity about what your soul needs most for care and restoration.

--  Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson