How to Say "No"

Guidelines for staying strong while taking good care of yourself:

1. Buy some time.

When someone asks you to do something, put some space between the request and your answer. Before automatically agreeing, tell the person that you'll get back to them.

Second, let the person know up front that you may not be able to commit. Telling a person right away that you're cutting back on your hectic schedule takes pressure off you and encourages the person asking for help to consider other options sooner rather than later.

2. Do a gut check.

Check to see if the request that's being made of you is something you'd really like to do. Rating your desire on a scale of 1-10 might help, as well as asking yourself, "If I knew this person wouldn't be angry, disappointed, or upset, would I say no?"

Often, we respond to other's desires before considering our own needs. Certainly, there will be times that we do things for others we would rather not do, in order to be supportive of the relationship. Make sure these things are done to show love or strengthen connection, not out of guilt or obligation (which can lead to resentment).

3. Tell the truth directly - with grace and love.

-- Be honest about how you feel without over explaining yourself. Be genuine in your explanation, but don't give the impression that you're open to any discussion.

-- Stick to one or two concise lines about why you cannot fulfill the request.

-- Offer a recommendation, if you have one, as to how the person might be helped.

Remember, you are responsible TO others to tell the truth with respect and care, but you are NOT responsible FOR their emotions. Don't measure success by the response you receive from the other person, but by how you feel once your anxiety about the conversation disappears. More than likely, you'll feel a sense of relief!

-- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson

www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org