Life Renewal Counseling

To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.

This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting.

However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility.  Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating.

1.  Calm Down-  First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it".  Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance.

Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says.  After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective.  This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself.

2.  Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation.  Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners.  This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes.

After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way.  This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship.

These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively.

3.  Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse.  The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved.  Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action.  This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse.

In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same.  In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so.

4.  Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation.

Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book.  Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality).  Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads.

If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today.

As we continue on our Scream-Free Marriage journey, we learn another powerful truth about marriage:  a good, solid, successful marriage isn't based on your commonalities.  Although common interests are helpful in friendships, lasting marriages rely on "personal integrity in the midst of constant change", as Hal Runkel says.  Let's explore this personal integrity:

As romantic as the idea is, and as popular as Hollywood has made it to be, our spouse is not meant to "complete" us.  We can't rely on our spouse to fulfill our emotional needs any more that we can ask him/her to take care of our physical body.  It's simply too much pressure to put on another person and, according to Runkel, "validation is only authentic and lasting when it comes from within".  Yolanda's editorial -- true validation and self-worth come from an intimate relationship with creator God.  Only He can give your life meaning and worth, and completely fill your Love Bucket so that you're free to pour out that love on your spouse without feeling desperate if he/she is unwilling or unable to give the same in return.  That's true "love".

Additionally, Runkel suggests that a feeling of trust and safety are not the most important aspects of a marriage.  In fact, to the contrary, University of Michigan researchers found a direct link between boredom in marriage (which comes from too much "safety") and lessened marital satisfaction.  Shocked?  I know!  But, if you think about it, no matter how much you might think that you trust your spouse, at some point you have to take a risk at revealing a little bit more of yourself to him/her.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's not quite a turn-on when he nibbles your ear (and that you much prefer when he...) or that you've never really cared for her Thanksgiving stuffing (and find out she's never really liked her family's traditional recipe, either).  It's this kind of risky self-representation -- without knowing quite how your spouse will respond -- that breathes life, mystery, and adventure into a marriage.

Finally, marriage does not mean a oneness where two halves become an indistinguishable whole and where no boundaries are present.  Instead, marriage is a union of two complete, whole people who come together to form something bigger than themselves BUT still hold to their separateness and individuality.  As U2 so aptly says, "We're one, but we're not the same."  As much as we might think that we'd like to be married to someone *just* *like* *us*-- someone who likes all the same things, hates all the same things, and who wants to be together every second of every day -- the reality is that it would suffocate us and bore us to tears. 

Although these thoughts challenge some of the ideas we might have had about marriage, they completely line up with the truth that we can only be responsible for ourselves in our marital relationship.  Give it some thought...

Next Week: Truth #3, If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
-- Yolanda

In continuing our conversation about Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage : Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, let's focus on what Runkel calls "some fundamental truths" about marriage.

• If You're Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection
• It's Not What You Have in Common, It's What You Have Inside
• The Only Communication Skill You Need to Learn Is Authentic Self-Representation (ASR)
• It's Better to Get "Rubbed the Wrong Way" than Never to Get Rubbed at All
• If You Want a Warm Marriage, You Have to Walk through Fire
• Intimacy Always Begins with an "I"

Let's begin with the first "truth" -- If You're Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection.  This truth goes back to my first Scream-Free entry and has to do with emotional reactivity , or "allowing our worst fears or worries to drive our choices, instead of our highest principles" (See my last blog entry for more details about emotional reactivity, or "screaming").  This anxiety-driven reactivity usually results in the outcome we feared happening in the first place (disconnect, pain, accusations, etc.).

Instead, Runkel suggests that we focus on ourselves- what drives our desires and fears, and what our contribution to any problems in the relationship might be.  Sounds like a lot of work, right?  Well, it is... but it's worth it.

Many times, we want to focus on our spouse.  That's the "easy" way out, but this leads to getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse meet our emotional needs, getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse happy (just to make our lives easier, because living with him/her in misery is making us, well, miserable), getting angry when we cannot "get" our spouse to make changes in the relationship, and/or getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse take on more responsibility around the house.

The problem is, we cannot really "make" anyone else do anything.  We can only be responsible for ourselves.  Besides, deep down we don't really want to "make" our spouse do anything.  We want our spouse to want to make changes of his/her own free-will.

The solution to becoming more under control is to become more self-centered; that is, to focus on yourself during an intense situation and remain calm so that you can create the space that you need to interact with your spouse from your own deepest love and convictions, NOT out of your emotional reactivity (or "screaming").  

The good news is that creating this space (or pause, calm, inner peace...) invites your spouse to do the same.  As difficult as it might be in the beginning, after putting this self-pause into practice a few times, you begin to relate with your spouse in an entirely different way.  It takes ONE person making that FIRST STEP. It's not easy, but few things in life that are really worth it are.

Obviously, this is an abbreviated version of the concept.  I really would recommend getting the book and following along through this series.  Feel free to post any questions or comments you might have.

Next week... Truth #2, It's Not What You Have in Common, It's What You Have Inside.

Until then,
Yolanda

My husband and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage this month.  This is also our “dating anniversary”, with our first date taking place 21 years (!!) ago.  We’ve been together longer than we’ve been apart in our lives!  Our relationship at this moment is solid – we’re continuing to build our love for and intimacy with each other - but there was a time not too long ago that I wondered how I would survive being married to my husband “’til death do us part.”  I can assure you that he felt the same way about me. So, what change makes me think we can make it?  We’re growing up. *sigh*

Growing up is hard to do, and so is being a grownup when things get tough.  It’s much easier to react (or withdraw) out of intense emotions than to hit the pause button, stay connected, and study my part in a conflict- facing it head-on.  This is what Hal Runkel, LMFT addresses in his new book, Scream Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer.

So, what exactly is emotional reactivity?  Can I be “Scream Free”??  Here is a list of the top 5 ways Runkel says we  “scream”(if not on the outside, then on the inside), or become emotionally reactive in marriage:

1.     We scream – literally.  This is the most common form of reactivity, and is usually done as a way to protect ourselves when we’re feeling unloved, unappreciated, disrespected, and hurt.  Unfortunately, the “it” that we’re losing when we’re “losing it” is our adulthood, as well as the maturity it takes to handle the situation. But maybe you don’t scream out loud.  Maybe, for you, “screaming” is…

2.     Distancing ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves.  The idea is that distancing will prevent the explosion in #1, or any other uncomfortable confrontation and emotional pain.  Unfortunately, emotional distance becomes the new norm for the couple and precludes any deep connection or true intimacy.  This may appear functional, but only superficially.  The relationship may stay “peaceful,” but it’s a cold war type of peace.

3.     We cut ourselves off completely. This is distancing on steroids.  Think divorce here. The problem is that it doesn’t work… even if you’re able to cut off future contact (which won’t happen if you have children), there will always be an emotional history.

4.     We fall into an overfuntioning/underfunctioning pattern in the relationship.  One person takes on a majority of the responsibility, until resentment kicks in.  Or, until the “underfuntioner” steps up, and then the “overfuntioner” is anxious about losing her “role”. 

5.     We triangulate – a fancy way of saying that we pull a third party into the two-party relationship in order to relieve the anxiety in the relationship.  Picture the wife calling her mom to complain about her husband or the couple who doesn’t talk about anything other than their children.  This is an attempt for the two to avoid addressing the issues between them, which blocks intimacy.

Continue to learn more about Runkel’s tips on remaining calm in the face of conflict and thereby building intimacy by checking our Renewal Blog each Wednesday at http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/renewal-blog.html

Here’s to growing up!

----Yolanda