In continuing our conversation about Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage : Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, let's focus on what Runkel calls "some fundamental truths" about marriage.
Let's begin with the first "truth" -- If You're Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection. This truth goes back to my first Scream-Free entry and has to do with emotional reactivity , or "allowing our worst fears or worries to drive our choices, instead of our highest principles" (See my last blog entry for more details about emotional reactivity, or "screaming"). This anxiety-driven reactivity usually results in the outcome we feared happening in the first place (disconnect, pain, accusations, etc.). Instead, Runkel suggests that we focus on ourselves- what drives our desires and fears, and what our contribution to any problems in the relationship might be. Sounds like a lot of work, right? Well, it is... but it's worth it. Many times, we want to focus on our spouse. That's the "easy" way out, but this leads to getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse meet our emotional needs, getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse happy (just to make our lives easier, because living with him/her in misery is making us, well, miserable), getting angry when we cannot "get" our spouse to make changes in the relationship, and/or getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse take on more responsibility around the house. The problem is, we cannot really "make" anyone else do anything. We can only be responsible for ourselves. Besides, deep down we don't really want to "make" our spouse do anything. We want our spouse to want to make changes of his/her own free-will. The solution to becoming more under control is to become more self-centered; that is, to focus on yourself during an intense situation and remain calm so that you can create the space that you need to interact with your spouse from your own deepest love and convictions, NOT out of your emotional reactivity (or "screaming"). The good news is that creating this space (or pause, calm, inner peace...) invites your spouse to do the same. As difficult as it might be in the beginning, after putting this self-pause into practice a few times, you begin to relate with your spouse in an entirely different way. It takes ONE person making that FIRST STEP. It's not easy, but few things in life that are really worth it are. Obviously, this is an abbreviated version of the concept. I really would recommend getting the book and following along through this series. Feel free to post any questions or comments you might have. Next week... Truth #2, It's Not What You Have in Common, It's What You Have Inside. Until then, Yolanda
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AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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