Let's continue on our topic of boundaries and discuss work issues. In our society of constant contact and mobile devices-- in addition to the a struggling economy where the thought of finding a new job might be terrifying -- maintaining appropriate boundaries in the workplace can be difficult. According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life, there are nine boundary problems that can occur in the workplace:
1. Getting stuck with others' responsibilities. There is a fine line between being a "team player" and being taken advantage of. The difference is being responsible to others vs. being responsible for others. An occasional favor is one thing, but if you're routinely doing another's work, you must calmly express your "no" to your coworker. Don't try to explain, argue, or justify. 2. Working too much overtime. This is a good time to review your job description and decide how much overtime is healthy for you and your family. Then, make a list of tasks you are responsible for over the next month and plan to meet with your boss to discuss which ones are a priority. Focus on those priorities and let the rest go. There will always be more work than hours in a day. 3. Misplaced priorities. You will be a more effective worker if you prioritize your tasks and do them to the best of your ability. Saying no to the unimportant keeps the important top-notch. 4. Difficult coworkers. Remember that you only have the power to change yourself, so you must see yourself and how you relate to the difficult person as the problem. Focus on changing your reaction to the other person. 5. Critical attitudes. If you're especially sensitive to others' criticism, you may become hooked on getting the critical person in your office to "like" you... or at least become less critical. This is where your boundary and not "owning" that criticism comes into play. Avoid trying to win this person over or arguing with them. You'll never win. Instead, consider other options, such as confronting, following your company's grievance policy, or limiting your interaction with this person. 6. Conflicts with authority or coworkers. This might stem from unresolved boundary issues with your parents (or other authority figures) and/or siblings. 7. Expecting too much from work. Work is work. Although you might have friends at work, these relationships are generally not intended to provide primary nurturing, or be the only source of love, acceptance, and approval. ** Note: not having firm boundaries and investing too much emotionally in work relationships can also lead to affairs and be destructive to relationships outside of work. 8. Taking work-related stress home. When we don't face work issues directly, we tend to take negative emotions home which, in turn, also take time and energy away from loved ones. 9. Disliking your job. We were all created for a specific purpose. If you are continually unhappy with your job, you might not be fulfilling your life's calling. Determine your boundaries -- what defines "you" and "not you" -- and assess whether a career change or going back to school are in order. This might seem scary, but it's worth it! Remember, the best place to discover and practice boundaries is in a safe, supportive environment. If it's time to work on your boundaries, find that safety and support at Life Renewal.
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Recently, Jennifer posted about family systems ("Like" Life Renewal Counseling on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Renewal-Counseling/332455189742 to read more), and how making a positive change in yourself positively affects the family system. Nowhere is this more true, or more difficult, than with our family of origin -- the family we grew up in.
Let's face it... both the healthy and unhealthy boundaries we have were learned in our family of origin, and because these boundaries have been instilled in us from birth, these boundary conflicts are very difficult to change. Difficult, but not impossible, and instilling firm and loving boundaries with your family of origin can help ease holiday conflicts and keep you from feeling like a child every time you walk into your parents' home. In their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend detail how to go about making this change: 1. Identify the Symptom -- see where you have areas of conflict with your parents and siblings. 2. Identify the Conflict -- areas of failed boundaries include not enforcing consequences on others' behaviors, or being responsible for someone else, rather than to that person. 3. Identify the Need that Drives the Conflice -- what is the underlying reason you allow your boundaries to be violated? For example, in your parents' house did disapproval mean a removal of the relationship or conditional love? 4.. Take in and Receive the Good -- once you've identified your needs, you are responsible for seeking a safe place and safe relationships to get those needs filled. 5. Practicce Boundary Skills -- use your safe place to learn how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. 6. Say No to the Bad -- while you are building your boundary skills, avoid people who have been abusive, controling, or disrespectful of your boundaries in the past. 7. Forgive the Aggressor -- not doing so keeps you stuck to the hurts of the past. 8. Respond, Don't React -- create space for yourself so that you can control your side of the interactions, which helps maintain your boundaries. 9. Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt -- God wants our actions to come from a place of love, not a sense of duty or guilt. Love = Freedom. Setting boundaries can be difficult, confusing, and exhausting. Often, others resist our new boundaries, making us question if we're doing the "right" thing. Life Renewal Counseling is a place of safety and support where you can sort out what your boundaries are, exercise your "boundary muscle", and receive encouragement along the journey. -- Yolanda |
AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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