Life Renewal Counseling

Extreme Self-Care is more of an art than a science. It takes patience, commitment, practice, and the willingness to work through some initially uncomfortable feelings of guilt (for making your needs a priority), fear (of being judged or criticized by others), or anxiety (from challenging long-held beliefs and behaviors and implementing change).

These uncomfortable feelings are temporary, however, and worth facing in order to reap the benefits of practicing self-care -- peace, vitality, and improved relationships among them.

Which of these uncomfortable feelings do you struggle most with?

-- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson

To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.

This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting.

However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility.  Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating.

1.  Calm Down-  First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it".  Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance.

Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says.  After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective.  This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself.

2.  Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation.  Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners.  This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes.

After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way.  This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship.

These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively.

3.  Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse.  The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved.  Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action.  This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse.

In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same.  In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so.

4.  Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation.

Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book.  Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality).  Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads.

If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today.

As we continue on our Scream-Free Marriage journey, we learn another powerful truth about marriage:  a good, solid, successful marriage isn't based on your commonalities.  Although common interests are helpful in friendships, lasting marriages rely on "personal integrity in the midst of constant change", as Hal Runkel says.  Let's explore this personal integrity:

As romantic as the idea is, and as popular as Hollywood has made it to be, our spouse is not meant to "complete" us.  We can't rely on our spouse to fulfill our emotional needs any more that we can ask him/her to take care of our physical body.  It's simply too much pressure to put on another person and, according to Runkel, "validation is only authentic and lasting when it comes from within".  Yolanda's editorial -- true validation and self-worth come from an intimate relationship with creator God.  Only He can give your life meaning and worth, and completely fill your Love Bucket so that you're free to pour out that love on your spouse without feeling desperate if he/she is unwilling or unable to give the same in return.  That's true "love".

Additionally, Runkel suggests that a feeling of trust and safety are not the most important aspects of a marriage.  In fact, to the contrary, University of Michigan researchers found a direct link between boredom in marriage (which comes from too much "safety") and lessened marital satisfaction.  Shocked?  I know!  But, if you think about it, no matter how much you might think that you trust your spouse, at some point you have to take a risk at revealing a little bit more of yourself to him/her.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's not quite a turn-on when he nibbles your ear (and that you much prefer when he...) or that you've never really cared for her Thanksgiving stuffing (and find out she's never really liked her family's traditional recipe, either).  It's this kind of risky self-representation -- without knowing quite how your spouse will respond -- that breathes life, mystery, and adventure into a marriage.

Finally, marriage does not mean a oneness where two halves become an indistinguishable whole and where no boundaries are present.  Instead, marriage is a union of two complete, whole people who come together to form something bigger than themselves BUT still hold to their separateness and individuality.  As U2 so aptly says, "We're one, but we're not the same."  As much as we might think that we'd like to be married to someone *just* *like* *us*-- someone who likes all the same things, hates all the same things, and who wants to be together every second of every day -- the reality is that it would suffocate us and bore us to tears. 

Although these thoughts challenge some of the ideas we might have had about marriage, they completely line up with the truth that we can only be responsible for ourselves in our marital relationship.  Give it some thought...

Next Week: Truth #3, If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
-- Yolanda