Truth #2, It's Not What You Have In Common, It's What You Have Inside

As we continue on our Scream-Free Marriage journey, we learn another powerful truth about marriage:  a good, solid, successful marriage isn't based on your commonalities.  Although common interests are helpful in friendships, lasting marriages rely on "personal integrity in the midst of constant change", as Hal Runkel says.  Let's explore this personal integrity:

As romantic as the idea is, and as popular as Hollywood has made it to be, our spouse is not meant to "complete" us.  We can't rely on our spouse to fulfill our emotional needs any more that we can ask him/her to take care of our physical body.  It's simply too much pressure to put on another person and, according to Runkel, "validation is only authentic and lasting when it comes from within".  Yolanda's editorial -- true validation and self-worth come from an intimate relationship with creator God.  Only He can give your life meaning and worth, and completely fill your Love Bucket so that you're free to pour out that love on your spouse without feeling desperate if he/she is unwilling or unable to give the same in return.  That's true "love".

Additionally, Runkel suggests that a feeling of trust and safety are not the most important aspects of a marriage.  In fact, to the contrary, University of Michigan researchers found a direct link between boredom in marriage (which comes from too much "safety") and lessened marital satisfaction.  Shocked?  I know!  But, if you think about it, no matter how much you might think that you trust your spouse, at some point you have to take a risk at revealing a little bit more of yourself to him/her.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's not quite a turn-on when he nibbles your ear (and that you much prefer when he...) or that you've never really cared for her Thanksgiving stuffing (and find out she's never really liked her family's traditional recipe, either).  It's this kind of risky self-representation -- without knowing quite how your spouse will respond -- that breathes life, mystery, and adventure into a marriage.

Finally, marriage does not mean a oneness where two halves become an indistinguishable whole and where no boundaries are present.  Instead, marriage is a union of two complete, whole people who come together to form something bigger than themselves BUT still hold to their separateness and individuality.  As U2 so aptly says, "We're one, but we're not the same."  As much as we might think that we'd like to be married to someone *just* *like* *us*-- someone who likes all the same things, hates all the same things, and who wants to be together every second of every day -- the reality is that it would suffocate us and bore us to tears. 

Although these thoughts challenge some of the ideas we might have had about marriage, they completely line up with the truth that we can only be responsible for ourselves in our marital relationship.  Give it some thought...

Next Week: Truth #3, If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
-- Yolanda