Life Renewal Counseling

There's a new driver in our home, and there are few things that cause me to feel more out-of-control than being a passenger in a vehicle in which the driver is still trying to figure out what he is doing.  Don't get me wrong... he's a good driver, and I'm proud of myself for responding so calmly... for the most part.

But every once in a while, there's that primal, knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reaction that frazzles him and ages me about 10 years.  Isn't that just like life and, especially, parenting??  The ride is going along smoothly, until you hit a bump in the road and find yourself responding with a slowdown...SlowDown...SLOWDOWN!!!!

So much of what we face as parents is frightening, and as our children grow older the consequences of their actions become more serious.  Like 2 tons of metal barreling down the road serious.  And as much as there are times that I would like to grab the steering wheel and swerve us back on my course, that decision has consequences of its own.  Mostly, my trying to steer doesn't allow him to learn for himself and, let's face it... I'm not always going to be around to take control of the wheel.

In this season, my job is to ride shotgun, give guidance and direction, and impose consequences (take the keys) as needed.  It's not always a comfortable ride, but at the end of the road I hope to have an amazing relationship with a confident young man who chooses to do the right thing on his own and accepts responsibilities for his actions, both good and bad.  We'll take a few detours along the way, I'm sure, but isn't life about the journey and not the destination??

--Yolanda

Some of you might already be aware of this, but I'll engage in some self-disclosure to those of you who may not know... I'm a University of Alabama football fan.  Big time.  

If you follow college football, you're aware that this has been a big week for 'Bama fans as the Tide (12-1) beat undefeated Notre Dame for the National Championship.  (If you don't follow college football, hang in there with me for just a second.  There's a bigger point here!)

The thing about Alabama fans is that we tend to expect perfection from our team, partly because that is the message that Coach Nick Saban conveys by his sideline tantrums and his "we've got things to work on" comments to the media.  Unfortunately, however, the team is full of 63 (or so) imperfect players.  And so, when Alabama lost to Texas A&M in November, 'Bama fans were devastated and felt that the season was over, with no hope of rising from the ashes.

Isn't that so much like how those of us who are perfectionists react to ourselves and those around us when we "lose"??  Something happens contrary to our idea of the way things "should" be, and we're sidelined with a season-ending injury.  Or so it seems.

In reality, however, a bigger victory remains if we are willing to challenge our perfectionist thoughts.  We might lose a game from time to time, but in the end there's a huge crystal trophy to gain if we choose to give ourselves and others grace and learn from what appears at first glance to be mistakes.

So beware of your "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thoughts.  Learn to challenge and replace them with more appropriate cognition.  Put an end to your "Perfect"-ionist season and see how peace and joy replace criticism and anger.  And ROLL TIDE, Y'ALL!!

--Yolanda

 This Christmas, my husband and I received money from family members and made the difficult decision to spend part of it not on gifts, but on a trip to the Smoky Mountains for ourselves and kids, to see new sights and spend time with extended family.  My husband and I were excited about the experience.  Our kids... not so much.  They wanted all of the money for "things".

It turns out, they enjoyed themselves and have already asked to go back again next year.  I was thrilled that my rugrats had matured from this lesson, until I read the February issue of Psychology Today and discovered that research consistently shows that most people will be happier when they spend money on an experience -- a trip or concert -- than on a "thing", such as a gift or iPod.

Why?  Experiences are unique and highly personal, which makes them difficult to subject to comparison, which is the root of envy and dissatisfaction.  I might be envious of my friend's newer, flashier car, but if we both take a trip to the beach, her description of the white sand doesn't diminish my experience of the glorious sunset.

Additionally, many people might experience buyer's remorse after a big purchase, whereas not spending money on an experience might lead to regret.  Besides, your big screen TV will eventually be outdated and upgraded, but your memories are forever a part of you.

So, what can you do in this new year to cultivate experiences and create happiness for yourself and those you care about?  Often, the experience takes more time, effort, and thought than the "thing", but it's always worth it!