Truth #3: If You're Not Part of the Solution...

To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.

This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting.

However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility.  Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating.

1.  Calm Down-  First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it".  Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance.

Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says.  After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective.  This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself.

2.  Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation.  Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners.  This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes.

After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way.  This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship.

These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively.

3.  Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse.  The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved.  Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action.  This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse.

In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same.  In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so.

4.  Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation.

Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book.  Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality).  Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads.

If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today.