Boundaries and Families

Recently, Jennifer posted about family systems ("Like" Life Renewal Counseling on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Renewal-Counseling/332455189742  to read more), and how making a positive change in yourself positively affects the family system.  Nowhere is this more true, or more difficult, than with our family of origin -- the family we grew up in.

Let's face it... both the healthy and unhealthy boundaries we have were learned in our family of origin, and because these boundaries have been instilled in us from birth, these boundary conflicts are very difficult to change.  Difficult, but not impossible, and instilling firm and loving boundaries with your family of origin can help ease holiday conflicts and keep you from feeling like a child every time you walk into your parents' home.

In their book Boundaries:  When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend detail how to go about making this change:

1.  Identify the Symptom -- see where you have areas of conflict with your parents and siblings.

2.  Identify the Conflict -- areas of failed boundaries include not enforcing consequences on others' behaviors, or being responsible for someone else, rather than to that person.

3.  Identify the Need that Drives the Conflice --  what is the underlying reason you allow your boundaries to be violated?  For example, in your parents' house did disapproval mean a removal of the relationship or conditional love?

4..  Take in and Receive the Good -- once you've identified your needs, you are responsible for seeking a safe place and safe relationships to get those needs filled.

5.  Practicce Boundary Skills -- use your safe place to learn how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself.

6.  Say No to the Bad -- while you are building your boundary skills, avoid people who have been abusive, controling, or disrespectful of  your boundaries in the past.

7.  Forgive the Aggressor  -- not doing so keeps you stuck to the hurts of the past.

8.  Respond, Don't React --  create space for yourself so that you can control your side of the interactions, which helps maintain your boundaries.

9.  Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt -- God wants our actions to come from a place of love, not a sense of duty or guilt.  Love = Freedom.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, confusing, and exhausting.  Often, others resist our new boundaries, making us question if we're doing the "right" thing.  Life Renewal Counseling is a place of safety and support where you can sort out what your boundaries are, exercise your "boundary muscle", and receive encouragement along the journey.

-- Yolanda