Life Renewal Counseling

Here in Florida, and in much of the southeast, the weather has been rather rainy and gloomy.  As I type this, a tropical storm is headed our direction which means, of course, more clouds and rain.  To say the least, this has put a damper on summer in the Sunshine State!

I don't know about you, but too many grey days lead to a grim state of mind.  (This, coincidently, is why I don't live in the Pacific Northwest!  Way too many rain days there!)  After two or three days of rain, I find myself feeling a little down-in-the-dumps, both physically and mentally, and wonder if the sun will ever make another appearance.  

That's when I have to make an effort to make my own "sunshine".  I found a bright tangerine pair of pants that lift my mood.  I make sure to get extra rest, get some indoor exercise, play lively music, and surround myself with positive people.  I challenge my negative thoughts that perhaps I should brush up on the story of Noah and start building an Ark to save mankind from the next flood (a slight exaggeration!!).

What about you?  Does the weather affect your mood?  How do you create your own sunshine on gloomy days?

My last post sparked some conversation in the Harper Home when I got my new driver's ok to post about him**.  Surprisingly, new driver's brother piped up and asked, "When are you going to write about me, mom?"  Sure thing, Bubba!

You see, this is my normally very quiet, low-key, compliant child who asks for very little.  Granted, we are officially in teenage-dom so dynamics have changed a bit, but this is the child who does what he is asked, completes school assignments without my having to check on his progress, and generally does not create strife or conflict in the house.  Because he does not demand the same kind of time, attention, and discipline as other family members, he's the child that easily gets "lost".  Did I mention he's also a middle child??  Poor kid!

So often, I get caught up in the challenges of raising the "spirited" and "strong willed" of my children that I forget that raising the "easy" child comes with challenges of its own; namely, that he's not as outspoken about his desires, dreams, wants, and needs.  And, to be honest, there are times that I create tension in our relationship in attempts to elicit communication about what's going on in that genius mind of his and make sure he doesn't get "lost" in the chaos.  

I think that we, as parents, so often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children regarding our relationship with them.  I have some image in my head that quality time should involve x-amount of dialogue and certain activities, when this child really is perfectly content to hang out, watch a movie, and enjoy a meal with very little conversation.  I need to respect who he is as a person and be ok with us talking about his interest in video games or soccer before I tread lightly onto heavier topics.  

So, I'll grab the Doritos and you grab the remote, son.  Let's chill!
--Yolanda

** read about that here:  http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/1/post/2013/01/that-out-of-control-feeling.html

There's a new driver in our home, and there are few things that cause me to feel more out-of-control than being a passenger in a vehicle in which the driver is still trying to figure out what he is doing.  Don't get me wrong... he's a good driver, and I'm proud of myself for responding so calmly... for the most part.

But every once in a while, there's that primal, knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reaction that frazzles him and ages me about 10 years.  Isn't that just like life and, especially, parenting??  The ride is going along smoothly, until you hit a bump in the road and find yourself responding with a slowdown...SlowDown...SLOWDOWN!!!!

So much of what we face as parents is frightening, and as our children grow older the consequences of their actions become more serious.  Like 2 tons of metal barreling down the road serious.  And as much as there are times that I would like to grab the steering wheel and swerve us back on my course, that decision has consequences of its own.  Mostly, my trying to steer doesn't allow him to learn for himself and, let's face it... I'm not always going to be around to take control of the wheel.

In this season, my job is to ride shotgun, give guidance and direction, and impose consequences (take the keys) as needed.  It's not always a comfortable ride, but at the end of the road I hope to have an amazing relationship with a confident young man who chooses to do the right thing on his own and accepts responsibilities for his actions, both good and bad.  We'll take a few detours along the way, I'm sure, but isn't life about the journey and not the destination??

--Yolanda

Some of you might already be aware of this, but I'll engage in some self-disclosure to those of you who may not know... I'm a University of Alabama football fan.  Big time.  

If you follow college football, you're aware that this has been a big week for 'Bama fans as the Tide (12-1) beat undefeated Notre Dame for the National Championship.  (If you don't follow college football, hang in there with me for just a second.  There's a bigger point here!)

The thing about Alabama fans is that we tend to expect perfection from our team, partly because that is the message that Coach Nick Saban conveys by his sideline tantrums and his "we've got things to work on" comments to the media.  Unfortunately, however, the team is full of 63 (or so) imperfect players.  And so, when Alabama lost to Texas A&M in November, 'Bama fans were devastated and felt that the season was over, with no hope of rising from the ashes.

Isn't that so much like how those of us who are perfectionists react to ourselves and those around us when we "lose"??  Something happens contrary to our idea of the way things "should" be, and we're sidelined with a season-ending injury.  Or so it seems.

In reality, however, a bigger victory remains if we are willing to challenge our perfectionist thoughts.  We might lose a game from time to time, but in the end there's a huge crystal trophy to gain if we choose to give ourselves and others grace and learn from what appears at first glance to be mistakes.

So beware of your "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thoughts.  Learn to challenge and replace them with more appropriate cognition.  Put an end to your "Perfect"-ionist season and see how peace and joy replace criticism and anger.  And ROLL TIDE, Y'ALL!!

--Yolanda

 This Christmas, my husband and I received money from family members and made the difficult decision to spend part of it not on gifts, but on a trip to the Smoky Mountains for ourselves and kids, to see new sights and spend time with extended family.  My husband and I were excited about the experience.  Our kids... not so much.  They wanted all of the money for "things".

It turns out, they enjoyed themselves and have already asked to go back again next year.  I was thrilled that my rugrats had matured from this lesson, until I read the February issue of Psychology Today and discovered that research consistently shows that most people will be happier when they spend money on an experience -- a trip or concert -- than on a "thing", such as a gift or iPod.

Why?  Experiences are unique and highly personal, which makes them difficult to subject to comparison, which is the root of envy and dissatisfaction.  I might be envious of my friend's newer, flashier car, but if we both take a trip to the beach, her description of the white sand doesn't diminish my experience of the glorious sunset.

Additionally, many people might experience buyer's remorse after a big purchase, whereas not spending money on an experience might lead to regret.  Besides, your big screen TV will eventually be outdated and upgraded, but your memories are forever a part of you.

So, what can you do in this new year to cultivate experiences and create happiness for yourself and those you care about?  Often, the experience takes more time, effort, and thought than the "thing", but it's always worth it!

Did you know?? (According to Psychology Today's October 2012 issue):

1. We automatically give a gender to everything, even when doing so doesn't make much sense. Those who speak or have studied a foreign language can attest to assignment of gender to words.

2. A pair seems more nurturing than one. We associate the number 1 with autonomy -- stereotypically a male trait -- while the association that we make with 2 is that of relationship and community -- more feminine traits. 

3. Even numbers are less cognitively taxing. Think about how much easier it is to count to 100 by even numbers than it is to count to 99 by odd numbers.

Now you know!

HOMEWORK SURVIVAL FOR PARENTS

by James Lehman, MSW

You graduated from school years ago. But you’re still dealing with homework every night for hours on end, and it’s no fun. If your child refuses to bring work home, won’t do it at night or gives you endless grief when you try to help, Empowering Parents has some answers for you. Here, James Lehman explains how to get your child to do his homework so that you can stop the nightly tug of war and stop doing the work for him.

Homework is often a barometer of what’s going on in the child’s life, and it’s easy for parents to misinterpret the issue. Sometimes the child can’t do the work because of a learning disability. Very often, the issue really isn’t the homework. The homework is what we call the “incident.” The issue is an unwillingness to do the work.

"There’s a difference between a bribe and a reward. If you bribe your child to do his homework, the kid has the power. In a reward program, the parent has the power."

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is doing it to get power over you. His intention is to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

It’s easy for parents to get into power struggles over homework. They’re concerned about their kids performing and getting a good education. Meanwhile, they work like dogs all day providing for the family. When they get home at night, they have to set up the evening, make dinner, do laundry, and help the kids with homework. The last thing they want to do is fight with their kids over it. So what tends to happen is parents take shortcuts, and it’s a trap they fall into. One shortcut can be doing the homework for the child. Parents do this especially with school projects. Another shortcut can also be yelling and fighting and screaming rather than putting an effective plan in place to get the work done. A shortcut can be bribing the child to do the work instead of rewarding him for doing it. We’ll talk more about that in a minute.

So how do you stop the battle and get your kids to do their homework?

1. Talk to your child’s teachers on a weekly basis. When you’re dealing with a child who has problems doing homework, you have to communicate with teachers weekly and on a detailed level. If it’s important to you that your child succeeds, then you have to work closely with the school. Because all you have otherwise is the kid’s word for it. Make sure that the amount of homework is appropriate for your child’s learning ability and style. Go to school conferences. Know what’s being assigned and how much. My son had ADD. I used to make him do all the homework, and it would take him longer, and it was difficult for him. Making him do the entire assignment was the theory base at the time. Then a new theory base came along that focused on getting kids to do what they can accomplish well in that time. If it takes the child the entire time to do two problems because he has ADD, and other kids can do all the problems, then that’s what he can do. He’ll learn just as much. Parents have to know what their kids are capable of. Don’t ask the teacher to give less than what’s necessary to learn the subject. But know if your child has some learning deficit, and talk to teachers about it.

Communicate with the school to determine what homework has been done and what hasn’t been done for the week. If your child has a chronic problem with homework, set up a system where, every Friday, the teacher informs you about what homework is owed for that week. Specifically, what pages in what books. Then, your child’s weekend should not start until that homework is done. If Friday comes along and it turns out that he has two more hours of homework to do, then he doesn’t get to start playing video games, get computer time or go out that night until that week’s homework is done.

2. Reward performance consistently. Every Friday that you get a note from the teacher saying that your child has done all the homework assigned for the week, your child gets a star or a check mark or a point. After so many stars, he gets a treat or reward, such as an activity he likes. It doesn’t have to be something that costs money. It can be going to the beach or the park with the parent or spending some time with the parent individually. If you’re setting up a system with a younger child, a reward can be that you take half an hour to sit down and play some games with your child that he likes.

Have a menu of rewards that your child will enjoy. Sit down and write up the menu with him. Don’t associate it with homework or anything else. Just find out what he likes to do. Your kid will probably say something like go to a concert or a sports event. Don’t discourage those things. Say, “Okay, that’s interesting.” Then keep going until you get a list of realistic things that your child will enjoy and work toward.

Remember earlier I said that one of the shortcuts we take as parents is bribing our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It’s a subtle difference. A reward is something that has performance programmed into it. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with him over something that is already a responsibility. For instance, if my son got B’s or above, he got a certain reward, which was linked to what we could afford. It was a reward for his performance. A bribe is this: “If you do this tonight, I’ll do this for you on Saturday.” It changes the balance of power. In a reward program, the parent has the power. When you’re rewarding performance with stars or checks, and the child is completing the work and earning an activity or thing he likes, you have the power. If you’re bribing your child to do his homework, the kid has the power.

3. Withhold activities consistently, especially with older kids. Reward adolescents and teenagers with things that older kids like to do: going to the mall unsupervised, spending time on the phone, having a phone, spending time on the computer, having a computer in their room, going to parties, dances and sports activities. Withhold the things that are important to them if the work doesn’t get done. If the kid’s homework isn’t finished by Friday afternoon, the weekend doesn’t start until the homework is done. Don’t give in to, “Oh, there’s a football game, and they’re depending on me.” Too bad. If you can hold true to this rule once, and deal with the behavior, next week the homework will be done.

4. Have your child maintain a homework log. Monitor and maintain it throughout the week with the child. Check off what gets done, and let him know that if he’s dishonest, you’ll be talking with the teacher, and he’ll just have to make it up on Friday and delay his weekend if he doesn’t do it.

5. Don’t let kids do homework on the computer in their room if you can avoid it. Have them use the family computer if possible. If they do it in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone away. It doesn’t matter who bought it, who owns it, etc. It’s in your house. Use of it should be controlled by you.

6. Use hurdle help, as described in The Total Transformation Program. Help them when they’re stuck. Help them come up with ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm with your child as long as he’s doing the work. Do not do the work for your child. The work is his responsibility. Not yours.

7. Stay the course. You’ve got to hold true to what you decide. Expect the child to resist and act out. But stick with it regardless. After he misses one or two football games, trips to the mall or nights out, he’ll decide it isn’t worth it, and he’ll do the work. Know what’s important to your child, and use the ability to have and use those things as a reward for getting work done.

8. Be prepared to let the child fail. Then manage their life around failure. Example: “If you get a D, your phone will be taken away until you bring it up to a B.” Communicate with the teacher. Don’t give the phone back until the grade is back up to a B. Don’t get stuck in the trap of, “But my son bought the phone, therefore he has a right to it.” He doesn’t. The right to use it is earned.

Put this plan in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well. Not in the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different this year with homework that will make it go better for everyone, then explain the system. You’ll find that adding this little bit of structure at home will do three things: 1.) make your life easier as a parent, 2.) make you more effective as a parent, and 3.) help your child to get the work done.

Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents."

From the May 2008 issue of Empowering Parents (http://www.empoweringparents.com) a free online magazine for parents.

f the image that you drew is distressing, or is one that you would like to change, then try writing a Transformational Goal.  For example, if your initial goal was to express a feeling of stress regarding a relationship, a transformational goal might be an expression of what peace would look like in the situation.

Write this Transformational Goal on the page following your initial drawing. Close your eyes and ask your mind to show you how to change the picture into what you want it to be.  Then, draw the new image.

A = Access (see the picture)
R = Release (draw the picture)
T = Transform (change the picture)

• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

-- Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

As you become more comfortable with your visual journaling through regular practice, you’ll find that you are able to use Visual Journaling as not only an expression, but also to reduce stress, release and heal old emotional wounds, overcome fear, and help work through conflicting emotions regarding a situation.

One way to achieve these benefits is though written journaling after drawing your image.  (I generally like to write on the left-hand side page of my journal, opposite of my image and under my intention statement.)  Ask yourself the following questions (or others, if you’d like):

• How does this journal drawing make me feel?
• How does my body feel now after drawing this?
• How do these colors relate to what I was feeling?
• Does anything about my picture bother me?
• Does my picture hold any special meaning or message for me?
• What can I learn about myself from my drawing?
• How do I feel about the situation or emotions that caused me to draw this?
• Would I like to change this feeling or situation in my life?



• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org

After you have imagined your image – or the colors and shapes that would best express your physical sensation and what you’re feeling – open your eyes and draw!  When you’re done, prop up your journal and take a look at it from a distance, then up close again.  Many people are surprised by their ability to express themselves via Visual Journaling.

Be aware of judgmental thoughts as you visualize, draw, and observe your final result.  If these thoughts begin to intrude, focus again on your breath and bring your awareness back to the area you were previously focusing.  If you’ve done this and judgmental thoughts continue to intrude, switch to drawing with your nondominant hand, which will shift you back into your nonjudgmental right-side brain.


• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

--Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org