Life Renewal Counseling

To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.

This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting.

However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility.  Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating.

1.  Calm Down-  First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it".  Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance.

Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says.  After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective.  This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself.

2.  Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation.  Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners.  This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes.

After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way.  This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship.

These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively.

3.  Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse.  The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved.  Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action.  This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse.

In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same.  In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so.

4.  Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation.

Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book.  Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality).  Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads.

If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today.

As we continue on our Scream-Free Marriage journey, we learn another powerful truth about marriage:  a good, solid, successful marriage isn't based on your commonalities.  Although common interests are helpful in friendships, lasting marriages rely on "personal integrity in the midst of constant change", as Hal Runkel says.  Let's explore this personal integrity:

As romantic as the idea is, and as popular as Hollywood has made it to be, our spouse is not meant to "complete" us.  We can't rely on our spouse to fulfill our emotional needs any more that we can ask him/her to take care of our physical body.  It's simply too much pressure to put on another person and, according to Runkel, "validation is only authentic and lasting when it comes from within".  Yolanda's editorial -- true validation and self-worth come from an intimate relationship with creator God.  Only He can give your life meaning and worth, and completely fill your Love Bucket so that you're free to pour out that love on your spouse without feeling desperate if he/she is unwilling or unable to give the same in return.  That's true "love".

Additionally, Runkel suggests that a feeling of trust and safety are not the most important aspects of a marriage.  In fact, to the contrary, University of Michigan researchers found a direct link between boredom in marriage (which comes from too much "safety") and lessened marital satisfaction.  Shocked?  I know!  But, if you think about it, no matter how much you might think that you trust your spouse, at some point you have to take a risk at revealing a little bit more of yourself to him/her.  Perhaps it's the fact that it's not quite a turn-on when he nibbles your ear (and that you much prefer when he...) or that you've never really cared for her Thanksgiving stuffing (and find out she's never really liked her family's traditional recipe, either).  It's this kind of risky self-representation -- without knowing quite how your spouse will respond -- that breathes life, mystery, and adventure into a marriage.

Finally, marriage does not mean a oneness where two halves become an indistinguishable whole and where no boundaries are present.  Instead, marriage is a union of two complete, whole people who come together to form something bigger than themselves BUT still hold to their separateness and individuality.  As U2 so aptly says, "We're one, but we're not the same."  As much as we might think that we'd like to be married to someone *just* *like* *us*-- someone who likes all the same things, hates all the same things, and who wants to be together every second of every day -- the reality is that it would suffocate us and bore us to tears. 

Although these thoughts challenge some of the ideas we might have had about marriage, they completely line up with the truth that we can only be responsible for ourselves in our marital relationship.  Give it some thought...

Next Week: Truth #3, If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
-- Yolanda

Let's continue on our topic of boundaries and discuss work issues.  In our society of constant contact and mobile devices-- in addition to the a struggling economy where the thought of finding a new job might be terrifying -- maintaining appropriate boundaries in the workplace can be difficult.  According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life, there are nine boundary problems that can occur in the workplace:

1.  Getting stuck with others' responsibilities.  There is a fine line between being a "team player" and being taken advantage of.  The difference is being responsible to others vs. being responsible for others.  An occasional favor is one thing, but if you're routinely doing another's work, you must calmly express your "no" to your coworker.  Don't try to explain, argue, or justify.

2.  Working too much overtime.  This is a good time to review your job description and decide how much overtime is healthy for you and your family.  Then, make a list of tasks you are responsible for over the next month and plan to meet with your boss to discuss which ones are a priority.  Focus on those priorities and let the rest go.  There will always be more work than hours in a day.

3.  Misplaced priorities.  You will be a more effective worker if you prioritize your tasks and do them to the best of your ability.  Saying no to the unimportant keeps the important top-notch.

4.  Difficult coworkers.  Remember that you only have the power to change yourself, so you must see yourself and how you relate to the difficult person as the problem.  Focus on changing your reaction to the other person. 

5.  Critical attitudes.  If you're especially sensitive to others' criticism, you may become hooked on getting the critical person in your office to "like" you... or at least become less critical.  This is where your boundary and not "owning" that criticism comes into play.  Avoid trying to win this person over or arguing with them.  You'll never win.  Instead, consider other options, such as confronting, following your company's grievance policy, or limiting your interaction with this person.

6.  Conflicts with authority or coworkers.  This might stem from unresolved boundary issues with your parents (or other authority figures) and/or siblings.

7.  Expecting too much from work.  Work is work.  Although you might have friends at work, these relationships are generally not intended to provide primary nurturing, or be the only source of love, acceptance, and approval.  ** Note:  not having firm boundaries and investing too much emotionally in work relationships can also lead to affairs and be destructive to relationships outside of work.

8.  Taking work-related stress home.  When we don't face work issues directly, we tend to take negative emotions home which, in turn, also take time and energy away from loved ones. 

9.  Disliking your job.  We were all created for a specific purpose.  If you are continually unhappy with your job, you might not be fulfilling your life's calling.  Determine your boundaries -- what defines "you" and "not you" -- and assess whether a career change or going back to school are in order.  This might seem scary, but it's worth it!

Remember, the best place to discover and practice boundaries is in a safe, supportive environment.  If it's time to work on your boundaries, find that safety and support at Life Renewal.

Recently, Jennifer posted about family systems ("Like" Life Renewal Counseling on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Renewal-Counseling/332455189742  to read more), and how making a positive change in yourself positively affects the family system.  Nowhere is this more true, or more difficult, than with our family of origin -- the family we grew up in.

Let's face it... both the healthy and unhealthy boundaries we have were learned in our family of origin, and because these boundaries have been instilled in us from birth, these boundary conflicts are very difficult to change.  Difficult, but not impossible, and instilling firm and loving boundaries with your family of origin can help ease holiday conflicts and keep you from feeling like a child every time you walk into your parents' home.

In their book Boundaries:  When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend detail how to go about making this change:

1.  Identify the Symptom -- see where you have areas of conflict with your parents and siblings.

2.  Identify the Conflict -- areas of failed boundaries include not enforcing consequences on others' behaviors, or being responsible for someone else, rather than to that person.

3.  Identify the Need that Drives the Conflice --  what is the underlying reason you allow your boundaries to be violated?  For example, in your parents' house did disapproval mean a removal of the relationship or conditional love?

4..  Take in and Receive the Good -- once you've identified your needs, you are responsible for seeking a safe place and safe relationships to get those needs filled.

5.  Practicce Boundary Skills -- use your safe place to learn how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself.

6.  Say No to the Bad -- while you are building your boundary skills, avoid people who have been abusive, controling, or disrespectful of  your boundaries in the past.

7.  Forgive the Aggressor  -- not doing so keeps you stuck to the hurts of the past.

8.  Respond, Don't React --  create space for yourself so that you can control your side of the interactions, which helps maintain your boundaries.

9.  Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt -- God wants our actions to come from a place of love, not a sense of duty or guilt.  Love = Freedom.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, confusing, and exhausting.  Often, others resist our new boundaries, making us question if we're doing the "right" thing.  Life Renewal Counseling is a place of safety and support where you can sort out what your boundaries are, exercise your "boundary muscle", and receive encouragement along the journey.

-- Yolanda

Have you ever considered the power of the voice? God spoke the world into existence (even though he could have merely thought all of creation into being); Christ's words are written in red in the Bible; a kind word can change a bad day. Alternately, a harsh word can be debilitating. Words CAN hurt us. The book of James, chapter 3, details this distinction. Words can be either life-giving or, literally, take a life.

Have you taken time to consider the impact of others' words on your life? How have they breathed life into your difficult circumstances? How have they suffocated you? If we're not careful, others can steal the power of our voice. You have a God-given right to your voice; He intends for you to discover it and use its power to speak life into others' lives. Sometimes, we need help rediscovering our lost voices. That's part of the benefits of counseling.

Like the Disney movie The Little Mermaid, has someone stolen your voice? Trust in the Prince of Peace and King of kings to bring restoration.