Life Renewal Counseling

Here in Florida, and in much of the southeast, the weather has been rather rainy and gloomy.  As I type this, a tropical storm is headed our direction which means, of course, more clouds and rain.  To say the least, this has put a damper on summer in the Sunshine State!

I don't know about you, but too many grey days lead to a grim state of mind.  (This, coincidently, is why I don't live in the Pacific Northwest!  Way too many rain days there!)  After two or three days of rain, I find myself feeling a little down-in-the-dumps, both physically and mentally, and wonder if the sun will ever make another appearance.  

That's when I have to make an effort to make my own "sunshine".  I found a bright tangerine pair of pants that lift my mood.  I make sure to get extra rest, get some indoor exercise, play lively music, and surround myself with positive people.  I challenge my negative thoughts that perhaps I should brush up on the story of Noah and start building an Ark to save mankind from the next flood (a slight exaggeration!!).

What about you?  Does the weather affect your mood?  How do you create your own sunshine on gloomy days?

My last post sparked some conversation in the Harper Home when I got my new driver's ok to post about him**.  Surprisingly, new driver's brother piped up and asked, "When are you going to write about me, mom?"  Sure thing, Bubba!

You see, this is my normally very quiet, low-key, compliant child who asks for very little.  Granted, we are officially in teenage-dom so dynamics have changed a bit, but this is the child who does what he is asked, completes school assignments without my having to check on his progress, and generally does not create strife or conflict in the house.  Because he does not demand the same kind of time, attention, and discipline as other family members, he's the child that easily gets "lost".  Did I mention he's also a middle child??  Poor kid!

So often, I get caught up in the challenges of raising the "spirited" and "strong willed" of my children that I forget that raising the "easy" child comes with challenges of its own; namely, that he's not as outspoken about his desires, dreams, wants, and needs.  And, to be honest, there are times that I create tension in our relationship in attempts to elicit communication about what's going on in that genius mind of his and make sure he doesn't get "lost" in the chaos.  

I think that we, as parents, so often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children regarding our relationship with them.  I have some image in my head that quality time should involve x-amount of dialogue and certain activities, when this child really is perfectly content to hang out, watch a movie, and enjoy a meal with very little conversation.  I need to respect who he is as a person and be ok with us talking about his interest in video games or soccer before I tread lightly onto heavier topics.  

So, I'll grab the Doritos and you grab the remote, son.  Let's chill!
--Yolanda

** read about that here:  http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/1/post/2013/01/that-out-of-control-feeling.html

There's a new driver in our home, and there are few things that cause me to feel more out-of-control than being a passenger in a vehicle in which the driver is still trying to figure out what he is doing.  Don't get me wrong... he's a good driver, and I'm proud of myself for responding so calmly... for the most part.

But every once in a while, there's that primal, knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reaction that frazzles him and ages me about 10 years.  Isn't that just like life and, especially, parenting??  The ride is going along smoothly, until you hit a bump in the road and find yourself responding with a slowdown...SlowDown...SLOWDOWN!!!!

So much of what we face as parents is frightening, and as our children grow older the consequences of their actions become more serious.  Like 2 tons of metal barreling down the road serious.  And as much as there are times that I would like to grab the steering wheel and swerve us back on my course, that decision has consequences of its own.  Mostly, my trying to steer doesn't allow him to learn for himself and, let's face it... I'm not always going to be around to take control of the wheel.

In this season, my job is to ride shotgun, give guidance and direction, and impose consequences (take the keys) as needed.  It's not always a comfortable ride, but at the end of the road I hope to have an amazing relationship with a confident young man who chooses to do the right thing on his own and accepts responsibilities for his actions, both good and bad.  We'll take a few detours along the way, I'm sure, but isn't life about the journey and not the destination??

--Yolanda

Some of you might already be aware of this, but I'll engage in some self-disclosure to those of you who may not know... I'm a University of Alabama football fan.  Big time.  

If you follow college football, you're aware that this has been a big week for 'Bama fans as the Tide (12-1) beat undefeated Notre Dame for the National Championship.  (If you don't follow college football, hang in there with me for just a second.  There's a bigger point here!)

The thing about Alabama fans is that we tend to expect perfection from our team, partly because that is the message that Coach Nick Saban conveys by his sideline tantrums and his "we've got things to work on" comments to the media.  Unfortunately, however, the team is full of 63 (or so) imperfect players.  And so, when Alabama lost to Texas A&M in November, 'Bama fans were devastated and felt that the season was over, with no hope of rising from the ashes.

Isn't that so much like how those of us who are perfectionists react to ourselves and those around us when we "lose"??  Something happens contrary to our idea of the way things "should" be, and we're sidelined with a season-ending injury.  Or so it seems.

In reality, however, a bigger victory remains if we are willing to challenge our perfectionist thoughts.  We might lose a game from time to time, but in the end there's a huge crystal trophy to gain if we choose to give ourselves and others grace and learn from what appears at first glance to be mistakes.

So beware of your "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thoughts.  Learn to challenge and replace them with more appropriate cognition.  Put an end to your "Perfect"-ionist season and see how peace and joy replace criticism and anger.  And ROLL TIDE, Y'ALL!!

--Yolanda

 This Christmas, my husband and I received money from family members and made the difficult decision to spend part of it not on gifts, but on a trip to the Smoky Mountains for ourselves and kids, to see new sights and spend time with extended family.  My husband and I were excited about the experience.  Our kids... not so much.  They wanted all of the money for "things".

It turns out, they enjoyed themselves and have already asked to go back again next year.  I was thrilled that my rugrats had matured from this lesson, until I read the February issue of Psychology Today and discovered that research consistently shows that most people will be happier when they spend money on an experience -- a trip or concert -- than on a "thing", such as a gift or iPod.

Why?  Experiences are unique and highly personal, which makes them difficult to subject to comparison, which is the root of envy and dissatisfaction.  I might be envious of my friend's newer, flashier car, but if we both take a trip to the beach, her description of the white sand doesn't diminish my experience of the glorious sunset.

Additionally, many people might experience buyer's remorse after a big purchase, whereas not spending money on an experience might lead to regret.  Besides, your big screen TV will eventually be outdated and upgraded, but your memories are forever a part of you.

So, what can you do in this new year to cultivate experiences and create happiness for yourself and those you care about?  Often, the experience takes more time, effort, and thought than the "thing", but it's always worth it!

No matter how old you are-13, 30, or 60-there are certain emotional needs you have that you may not even be aware of.  From appreciation, to support, to respect, to comfort, there are things that strike a cord so deep within us we often don’t even tell others we need them. 

Why do we do that?  Here are a few core reasons. 

1.      Sometimes we don’t communicate our intimacy needs because we don’t know what they are.

2.      Other times it is because when we have shared our deepest intimacy needs before we have been met with hurt or disappointment. 

3.      Maybe it is because we don’t feel safe enough with anyone to risk being rejected if we dare to share our needs.

4.      Or, it could be that we have built up a brick wall around our heart that doesn’t allow anyone in to even attempt to meet our needs. 

It could be any of these reasons, or a host of others that I haven’t named, but the end result is the same.  If my needs are met there is great potential for meaningful closeness with those in my life.  If those same needs go unmet, there is great pain that follows us like the cloud that hovered over “Eeyore” from Winnie the Pooh. 

The reality is that sharing my deepest needs makes me vulnerable and it’s risky.  But, I want to suggest to you that it is well worth the risk.  Just like with return on investment—the more you risk the greater the potential return. When you see that couple that has been married for 30 years but they still have stars in their eyes when they see each other from across the room, or the father and his child who connect with each other on a level you wish you had experienced with your dad, those longings are the key to identifying your deepest intimacy needs. 

So, what do we do with this information?  Here are a few suggestions…

1.      Discover what your intimacy needs are if you don’t know them.  A great resource for this is any text by Dr. David Ferguson or come in and we can help.

2.      If you know what your needs are and you’ve been hiding them, confess that to God and to the person who longs to really know you so you can start fresh. 

3.      If you’ve been withholding intimacy from your partner because of past hurt, get help to work through it and offer an olive branch by meeting your partner’s intimacy needs unselfishly without any expectations in return. 

4.      Commit to experience a new level of intimacy by understanding and meeting the needs of those you love, be it kids, parents, spouses, or best friends. 

My prayer is that intimacy would bring a fulfillment to your relationships that you have never know, as you make your relationships a mirror image of how God loves us and longs to meet our needs. 

----Jennifer    

Did you know?? (According to Psychology Today's October 2012 issue):

1. We automatically give a gender to everything, even when doing so doesn't make much sense. Those who speak or have studied a foreign language can attest to assignment of gender to words.

2. A pair seems more nurturing than one. We associate the number 1 with autonomy -- stereotypically a male trait -- while the association that we make with 2 is that of relationship and community -- more feminine traits. 

3. Even numbers are less cognitively taxing. Think about how much easier it is to count to 100 by even numbers than it is to count to 99 by odd numbers.

Now you know!

HOMEWORK SURVIVAL FOR PARENTS

by James Lehman, MSW

You graduated from school years ago. But you’re still dealing with homework every night for hours on end, and it’s no fun. If your child refuses to bring work home, won’t do it at night or gives you endless grief when you try to help, Empowering Parents has some answers for you. Here, James Lehman explains how to get your child to do his homework so that you can stop the nightly tug of war and stop doing the work for him.

Homework is often a barometer of what’s going on in the child’s life, and it’s easy for parents to misinterpret the issue. Sometimes the child can’t do the work because of a learning disability. Very often, the issue really isn’t the homework. The homework is what we call the “incident.” The issue is an unwillingness to do the work.

"There’s a difference between a bribe and a reward. If you bribe your child to do his homework, the kid has the power. In a reward program, the parent has the power."

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is doing it to get power over you. His intention is to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

It’s easy for parents to get into power struggles over homework. They’re concerned about their kids performing and getting a good education. Meanwhile, they work like dogs all day providing for the family. When they get home at night, they have to set up the evening, make dinner, do laundry, and help the kids with homework. The last thing they want to do is fight with their kids over it. So what tends to happen is parents take shortcuts, and it’s a trap they fall into. One shortcut can be doing the homework for the child. Parents do this especially with school projects. Another shortcut can also be yelling and fighting and screaming rather than putting an effective plan in place to get the work done. A shortcut can be bribing the child to do the work instead of rewarding him for doing it. We’ll talk more about that in a minute.

So how do you stop the battle and get your kids to do their homework?

1. Talk to your child’s teachers on a weekly basis. When you’re dealing with a child who has problems doing homework, you have to communicate with teachers weekly and on a detailed level. If it’s important to you that your child succeeds, then you have to work closely with the school. Because all you have otherwise is the kid’s word for it. Make sure that the amount of homework is appropriate for your child’s learning ability and style. Go to school conferences. Know what’s being assigned and how much. My son had ADD. I used to make him do all the homework, and it would take him longer, and it was difficult for him. Making him do the entire assignment was the theory base at the time. Then a new theory base came along that focused on getting kids to do what they can accomplish well in that time. If it takes the child the entire time to do two problems because he has ADD, and other kids can do all the problems, then that’s what he can do. He’ll learn just as much. Parents have to know what their kids are capable of. Don’t ask the teacher to give less than what’s necessary to learn the subject. But know if your child has some learning deficit, and talk to teachers about it.

Communicate with the school to determine what homework has been done and what hasn’t been done for the week. If your child has a chronic problem with homework, set up a system where, every Friday, the teacher informs you about what homework is owed for that week. Specifically, what pages in what books. Then, your child’s weekend should not start until that homework is done. If Friday comes along and it turns out that he has two more hours of homework to do, then he doesn’t get to start playing video games, get computer time or go out that night until that week’s homework is done.

2. Reward performance consistently. Every Friday that you get a note from the teacher saying that your child has done all the homework assigned for the week, your child gets a star or a check mark or a point. After so many stars, he gets a treat or reward, such as an activity he likes. It doesn’t have to be something that costs money. It can be going to the beach or the park with the parent or spending some time with the parent individually. If you’re setting up a system with a younger child, a reward can be that you take half an hour to sit down and play some games with your child that he likes.

Have a menu of rewards that your child will enjoy. Sit down and write up the menu with him. Don’t associate it with homework or anything else. Just find out what he likes to do. Your kid will probably say something like go to a concert or a sports event. Don’t discourage those things. Say, “Okay, that’s interesting.” Then keep going until you get a list of realistic things that your child will enjoy and work toward.

Remember earlier I said that one of the shortcuts we take as parents is bribing our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It’s a subtle difference. A reward is something that has performance programmed into it. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with him over something that is already a responsibility. For instance, if my son got B’s or above, he got a certain reward, which was linked to what we could afford. It was a reward for his performance. A bribe is this: “If you do this tonight, I’ll do this for you on Saturday.” It changes the balance of power. In a reward program, the parent has the power. When you’re rewarding performance with stars or checks, and the child is completing the work and earning an activity or thing he likes, you have the power. If you’re bribing your child to do his homework, the kid has the power.

3. Withhold activities consistently, especially with older kids. Reward adolescents and teenagers with things that older kids like to do: going to the mall unsupervised, spending time on the phone, having a phone, spending time on the computer, having a computer in their room, going to parties, dances and sports activities. Withhold the things that are important to them if the work doesn’t get done. If the kid’s homework isn’t finished by Friday afternoon, the weekend doesn’t start until the homework is done. Don’t give in to, “Oh, there’s a football game, and they’re depending on me.” Too bad. If you can hold true to this rule once, and deal with the behavior, next week the homework will be done.

4. Have your child maintain a homework log. Monitor and maintain it throughout the week with the child. Check off what gets done, and let him know that if he’s dishonest, you’ll be talking with the teacher, and he’ll just have to make it up on Friday and delay his weekend if he doesn’t do it.

5. Don’t let kids do homework on the computer in their room if you can avoid it. Have them use the family computer if possible. If they do it in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone away. It doesn’t matter who bought it, who owns it, etc. It’s in your house. Use of it should be controlled by you.

6. Use hurdle help, as described in The Total Transformation Program. Help them when they’re stuck. Help them come up with ideas. It’s okay to brainstorm with your child as long as he’s doing the work. Do not do the work for your child. The work is his responsibility. Not yours.

7. Stay the course. You’ve got to hold true to what you decide. Expect the child to resist and act out. But stick with it regardless. After he misses one or two football games, trips to the mall or nights out, he’ll decide it isn’t worth it, and he’ll do the work. Know what’s important to your child, and use the ability to have and use those things as a reward for getting work done.

8. Be prepared to let the child fail. Then manage their life around failure. Example: “If you get a D, your phone will be taken away until you bring it up to a B.” Communicate with the teacher. Don’t give the phone back until the grade is back up to a B. Don’t get stuck in the trap of, “But my son bought the phone, therefore he has a right to it.” He doesn’t. The right to use it is earned.

Put this plan in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well. Not in the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different this year with homework that will make it go better for everyone, then explain the system. You’ll find that adding this little bit of structure at home will do three things: 1.) make your life easier as a parent, 2.) make you more effective as a parent, and 3.) help your child to get the work done.

Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents."

From the May 2008 issue of Empowering Parents (http://www.empoweringparents.com) a free online magazine for parents.

by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC via Empowering Parents

“My son is a smart kid, but he doesn’t work hard in school. Now the teacher said he’s in danger of getting F’s in most of his subjects.”

“My daughter just does enough to get by, instead of trying her best. When I talk to her about how important it is to get good grades in high school, she rolls her eyes and tells me she doesn’t care and that it’s boring. It’s enough to make me pull my hair out.”

The truth is, most kids are motivated, but not by what we think should motivate them.

Do you have a child who comes home with failing grades year after year—or straight C’s when you know he could get A’s? You assume, based on his abilities, that he should be more successful in school. It’s enough to drive you crazy—especially because you know how important it is for him to do well so he can get into college someday—or even just graduate. You’re worried sick about his future, so you nag and get on his case about his laziness, lack of motivation and irresponsibility. You just don’t get why he’s so uninterested in doing well, so you try everything you can think of to motivate him. But try as you might, the situation doesn’t get better—in fact, it gets worse.

As a parent, it’s difficult not to become invested in our child’s academic life because we know how important it is for their future. From our perspective, it makes no sense that our kids would put things like friends or electronics before their work. The truth is, most kids are motivated, but not by what we think should motivate them. Look at it this way: your child is probably highly motivated and not at all lazy when it comes to things that excite him, like video games, music, Facebook and what cool new jeans to buy. One thing for certain is that if you pressure your child in order to motivate him, it almost always makes things worse.

Understand that kids need to buy into the value of doing well. Think about it in terms of your own life—even as an adult, you may know it’s best to eat right, but actually following through is another story! In a way, your child must own the importance of doing well himself. Of course external factors may also get in the way (mental or physical illnesses, learning disabilities or behavioral disorders, family issues and substance abuse, to name a few.) 

For some people, all the stars are aligned at the right time—motivation, skill and attitude combine to create a successful outcome. But for most of us, it’s way trickier and a much more uneven path to motivation and success. When you think about it, not every kid asks teachers for help, does all their homework on time all the time, reviews the material they learned each night and puts aside all the other distractions to get down to their studies. The ones who do are typically the kids who have what is called “good executive functioning,” because the front part of their brain is more developed. This plays a significant role in school achievement. It helps the regulation of emotions, attention span, perseverance, and flexibility. For many, many kids their functioning often does not develop until much later in the adolescent years. This is particularly tough if you are a parent who was responsible at an early age, but you now have a child lagging behind. It’s hard to imagine that they’re not just lazy, irresponsible and unmotivated. Of course, if you start believing these things about your child, you will simply get annoyed, frustrated, angry, and reactive to their laziness—which will contribute to the power struggle and to their to their defiance. How can you avoid doing this? Read on to find out.

1. Keep a relationship with your kids that is open, respectful and positive. Stay on your kids’ team; don’t play against them. This will allow you to be most influential with them, which is your most important parenting tool. Punishing, preaching, threatening and manipulating will get you nowhere and will be detrimental to your relationship and to their ultimate motivation. Your feelings of anxiety, frustration and fear are normal and understandable. But reacting to your kids out of these emotions will be ineffective. Remember, your child is not behaving this way on purpose to make your life miserable or because they are lazy good-for-nothings. When you feel yourself getting worked up, try saying to yourself, “My child is just not there yet.” Remember, your job is to help them learn how to be responsible. If you get negative and make this a moral issue, then your child might become defiant, reacting to you instead of thinking through things himself. 

2. Incorporate the “when you” rule.  One of life’s lessons is that we get the goodies after we do the work. When you practice shooting hoops every day, you start making more baskets. You get paid after you work at your job. So start saying things like, “When you finish studying you are welcome to go to Gavin’s house.” Or “When your homework is completed, we can discuss watching that movie you wanted to see on Netflix.” Enforce this rule and stick to it. If your child does not yet have the ability to plan and initiate and persevere, by sticking to this rule, you are helping them learn how to do what their own brain is not yet equipped to do, which is to create the structure for him.

3. When you are invited in. If your child is not studying and his grades are dropping, you’re invited in whether he wants you or there or not. Again, you’re there to help set up a structure that he is not able to create for himself. The structure might include scheduled study times, having the computer out in a public place in your home, and saying, “No video games or TV until after homework is done.” You might decide that he must spend a certain amount of hours devoted to study time. During this time, no electronics or other distractions are allowed. You might make the rule that even if he finishes all his homework, he must complete study time by reviewing, reading, or editing. You might make the rule that he devotes an hour-and-a-half to quiet time, no electronics, and just doing his work. Understand that it’s not meant as punishment; rather, this is helping him develop a good work ethic and to focus on his school subjects. Some kids do better listening to music while they study, but no other electronics or multi-tasking is recommended. If your child’s grades and work habits are not up to par, you can set up a plan by sitting down with him and his teachers. He might have to check with them to make sure he has everything before leaving school, and then check with you before going back to school to make sure all his work is in his bag. Once your child gets better at managing his time, completing his work and reviewing his subjects before tests, then it’s time for you to back off.

5. Identify a study spot. You may need to sit with your child while she’s doing her work or at least be nearby to help her stay on track. She may need a quiet location away from brothers and sisters or she may do better in a room near others. You can help her experiment. But once you find what works best, keep her in that location. You will not do her work for her, but you may need to review her work and ask her if a certain paragraph makes sense to her, for example.

6. Break it down. Decide together whether or not it will be helpful to your child for you to help him break down his assignments into small pieces and organize on a calendar what he should get done each day. You can get him a big wall calendar or a white board. You might also get extra help from his teacher or get a tutor for him if that’s in your budget.

7. Be kind but firm. Try your best to be a parent who is kind, helpful, consistent and firm versus punitive, over-functioning and controlling. For every negative interaction with your child, try to create ten positive ones. Try to put the focus on supporting and encouraging him instead of worrying and nagging. When you start to believe his grades are a reflection of you or your parenting and that you are responsible for his outcome, you will be on his case—and it will be harmful and ineffective.

8. Lack of motivation or anxiety? Recognize that so much of your child’s lack of motivation (or what looks like irresponsibility) might be his own anxiety or shame about academics and schoolwork. Most people have anxiety about doing certain things and avoid them like the plague. Kids may not be able to explain all of this to you because it’s not always on a conscious level for them. Here’s a typical scenario. Let’s say your child tells you he doesn’t have homework when he actually does.  This will stir up your anxiety. When you react to it by yelling or criticizing, your child will manage his anxiety by distancing from it—and from you—more. While a little anxiety can motivate, too much blocks your child’s ability to think and to have access to the part of the brain that helps him with motivation. Keep your emotions in check by recognizing that it’s your child’s anxiety at play rather than his laziness. Your job (and how you will be most helpful to him) is to not react to his anxiety or your own.

Recognize that sometimes your child’s feelings of shame, inferiority or anxiety can be misinterpreted as a lousy attitude, lack of motivation, and irresponsibility. Often the cover up for these vulnerable emotions can take the form of acting out, shutting down, avoidance, and defiance. Remember that what is happening now may look very different as your child matures and develops. In the meantime, in a positive relationship, lend him your brain by helping him with the structure and habits he can’t pull off on his own. And calm yourself by understanding the bigger picture of what is going on now.

9. Teach life balance. Remember to always keep the big picture in mind. Rather than go crazy over your child’s grades, help her to balance her life with friendships, other activities, volunteer work and family activities. Get involved with her school affairs when you can and take an interest in her school projects.

10. Don’t futurize. When we see our child seeming to have no interest in his life, it’s easy to start fast forwarding into the future. When he acts like he doesn’t care about anything except video games and his friends, we worry that he won’t be successful or even functional on his own. This ramps up our anxiety and our fear. But here’s the truth: none of us have a crystal ball or can really see into the future. Focusing on the negative things your child is doing will only bring the spotlight on them, and may set you both up for a power struggle. Instead, focus on your child’s positive traits and help him work on those in the present. Is he outgoing, helpful, or good with animals? Focus on all the things that go into a developed, successful person, not just academics and grades and help your child develop in social, creative, and emotional ways.

Parents are often so worried about their child falling behind that they end up in a power struggle with their kids over it, but nothing gets better. They go round and round, just fighting about the grades and the work. But if you as the parent can calm down and understand that this is not just a bad attitude and an unmotivated kid—and that you can’t force them to be motivated—then you can actually start meeting your child where he is and helping where he needs help. Remember, your goal is to stop the reactivity and solve the problem.

f the image that you drew is distressing, or is one that you would like to change, then try writing a Transformational Goal.  For example, if your initial goal was to express a feeling of stress regarding a relationship, a transformational goal might be an expression of what peace would look like in the situation.

Write this Transformational Goal on the page following your initial drawing. Close your eyes and ask your mind to show you how to change the picture into what you want it to be.  Then, draw the new image.

A = Access (see the picture)
R = Release (draw the picture)
T = Transform (change the picture)

• Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox

-- Yolanda
www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org