![]() Here in Florida, and in much of the southeast, the weather has been rather rainy and gloomy. As I type this, a tropical storm is headed our direction which means, of course, more clouds and rain. To say the least, this has put a damper on summer in the Sunshine State! I don't know about you, but too many grey days lead to a grim state of mind. (This, coincidently, is why I don't live in the Pacific Northwest! Way too many rain days there!) After two or three days of rain, I find myself feeling a little down-in-the-dumps, both physically and mentally, and wonder if the sun will ever make another appearance. That's when I have to make an effort to make my own "sunshine". I found a bright tangerine pair of pants that lift my mood. I make sure to get extra rest, get some indoor exercise, play lively music, and surround myself with positive people. I challenge my negative thoughts that perhaps I should brush up on the story of Noah and start building an Ark to save mankind from the next flood (a slight exaggeration!!). What about you? Does the weather affect your mood? How do you create your own sunshine on gloomy days?
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![]() My last post sparked some conversation in the Harper Home when I got my new driver's ok to post about him**. Surprisingly, new driver's brother piped up and asked, "When are you going to write about me, mom?" Sure thing, Bubba! You see, this is my normally very quiet, low-key, compliant child who asks for very little. Granted, we are officially in teenage-dom so dynamics have changed a bit, but this is the child who does what he is asked, completes school assignments without my having to check on his progress, and generally does not create strife or conflict in the house. Because he does not demand the same kind of time, attention, and discipline as other family members, he's the child that easily gets "lost". Did I mention he's also a middle child?? Poor kid! So often, I get caught up in the challenges of raising the "spirited" and "strong willed" of my children that I forget that raising the "easy" child comes with challenges of its own; namely, that he's not as outspoken about his desires, dreams, wants, and needs. And, to be honest, there are times that I create tension in our relationship in attempts to elicit communication about what's going on in that genius mind of his and make sure he doesn't get "lost" in the chaos. I think that we, as parents, so often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our children regarding our relationship with them. I have some image in my head that quality time should involve x-amount of dialogue and certain activities, when this child really is perfectly content to hang out, watch a movie, and enjoy a meal with very little conversation. I need to respect who he is as a person and be ok with us talking about his interest in video games or soccer before I tread lightly onto heavier topics. So, I'll grab the Doritos and you grab the remote, son. Let's chill! --Yolanda ** read about that here: http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/1/post/2013/01/that-out-of-control-feeling.html ![]() There's a new driver in our home, and there are few things that cause me to feel more out-of-control than being a passenger in a vehicle in which the driver is still trying to figure out what he is doing. Don't get me wrong... he's a good driver, and I'm proud of myself for responding so calmly... for the most part. But every once in a while, there's that primal, knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reaction that frazzles him and ages me about 10 years. Isn't that just like life and, especially, parenting?? The ride is going along smoothly, until you hit a bump in the road and find yourself responding with a slowdown...SlowDown...SLOWDOWN!!!! So much of what we face as parents is frightening, and as our children grow older the consequences of their actions become more serious. Like 2 tons of metal barreling down the road serious. And as much as there are times that I would like to grab the steering wheel and swerve us back on my course, that decision has consequences of its own. Mostly, my trying to steer doesn't allow him to learn for himself and, let's face it... I'm not always going to be around to take control of the wheel. In this season, my job is to ride shotgun, give guidance and direction, and impose consequences (take the keys) as needed. It's not always a comfortable ride, but at the end of the road I hope to have an amazing relationship with a confident young man who chooses to do the right thing on his own and accepts responsibilities for his actions, both good and bad. We'll take a few detours along the way, I'm sure, but isn't life about the journey and not the destination?? --Yolanda ![]() Some of you might already be aware of this, but I'll engage in some self-disclosure to those of you who may not know... I'm a University of Alabama football fan. Big time. If you follow college football, you're aware that this has been a big week for 'Bama fans as the Tide (12-1) beat undefeated Notre Dame for the National Championship. (If you don't follow college football, hang in there with me for just a second. There's a bigger point here!) The thing about Alabama fans is that we tend to expect perfection from our team, partly because that is the message that Coach Nick Saban conveys by his sideline tantrums and his "we've got things to work on" comments to the media. Unfortunately, however, the team is full of 63 (or so) imperfect players. And so, when Alabama lost to Texas A&M in November, 'Bama fans were devastated and felt that the season was over, with no hope of rising from the ashes. Isn't that so much like how those of us who are perfectionists react to ourselves and those around us when we "lose"?? Something happens contrary to our idea of the way things "should" be, and we're sidelined with a season-ending injury. Or so it seems. In reality, however, a bigger victory remains if we are willing to challenge our perfectionist thoughts. We might lose a game from time to time, but in the end there's a huge crystal trophy to gain if we choose to give ourselves and others grace and learn from what appears at first glance to be mistakes. So beware of your "shoulda, coulda, woulda" thoughts. Learn to challenge and replace them with more appropriate cognition. Put an end to your "Perfect"-ionist season and see how peace and joy replace criticism and anger. And ROLL TIDE, Y'ALL!! --Yolanda ![]() Townsend, TN This Christmas, my husband and I received money from family members and made the difficult decision to spend part of it not on gifts, but on a trip to the Smoky Mountains for ourselves and kids, to see new sights and spend time with extended family. My husband and I were excited about the experience. Our kids... not so much. They wanted all of the money for "things". It turns out, they enjoyed themselves and have already asked to go back again next year. I was thrilled that my rugrats had matured from this lesson, until I read the February issue of Psychology Today and discovered that research consistently shows that most people will be happier when they spend money on an experience -- a trip or concert -- than on a "thing", such as a gift or iPod. Why? Experiences are unique and highly personal, which makes them difficult to subject to comparison, which is the root of envy and dissatisfaction. I might be envious of my friend's newer, flashier car, but if we both take a trip to the beach, her description of the white sand doesn't diminish my experience of the glorious sunset. Additionally, many people might experience buyer's remorse after a big purchase, whereas not spending money on an experience might lead to regret. Besides, your big screen TV will eventually be outdated and upgraded, but your memories are forever a part of you. So, what can you do in this new year to cultivate experiences and create happiness for yourself and those you care about? Often, the experience takes more time, effort, and thought than the "thing", but it's always worth it! f the image that you drew is distressing, or is one that you would like to change, then try writing a Transformational Goal. For example, if your initial goal was to express a feeling of stress regarding a relationship, a transformational goal might be an expression of what peace would look like in the situation.
Write this Transformational Goal on the page following your initial drawing. Close your eyes and ask your mind to show you how to change the picture into what you want it to be. Then, draw the new image. A = Access (see the picture) R = Release (draw the picture) T = Transform (change the picture) • Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox -- Yolanda www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org As you become more comfortable with your visual journaling through regular practice, you’ll find that you are able to use Visual Journaling as not only an expression, but also to reduce stress, release and heal old emotional wounds, overcome fear, and help work through conflicting emotions regarding a situation.
One way to achieve these benefits is though written journaling after drawing your image. (I generally like to write on the left-hand side page of my journal, opposite of my image and under my intention statement.) Ask yourself the following questions (or others, if you’d like): • How does this journal drawing make me feel? • How does my body feel now after drawing this? • How do these colors relate to what I was feeling? • Does anything about my picture bother me? • Does my picture hold any special meaning or message for me? • What can I learn about myself from my drawing? • How do I feel about the situation or emotions that caused me to draw this? • Would I like to change this feeling or situation in my life? • Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox --Yolanda www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org After you have imagined your image – or the colors and shapes that would best express your physical sensation and what you’re feeling – open your eyes and draw! When you’re done, prop up your journal and take a look at it from a distance, then up close again. Many people are surprised by their ability to express themselves via Visual Journaling.
Be aware of judgmental thoughts as you visualize, draw, and observe your final result. If these thoughts begin to intrude, focus again on your breath and bring your awareness back to the area you were previously focusing. If you’ve done this and judgmental thoughts continue to intrude, switch to drawing with your nondominant hand, which will shift you back into your nonjudgmental right-side brain. • Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox --Yolanda www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org n Step Three, you use Guided Visualization to imagine what the physical sensation/emotion would look like if it were an image.
To do this, “quiet the mind” and focus your attention on your body, focusing on the specific physical sensation you would like to get a better understanding of or express. Then, imagine what this physical sensation might look like if it were an image, or what colors , shapes, and forms would best express it. • Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox --Yolanda www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org The body expresses emotion through physical sensation – how does your body express joy (smiling), anger (tense muscles), and fear (an uneasiness in the stomach)? The way to access these physical sensations is to disconnect with your thoughts, or “quiet the mind.”
Try this exercise in body-centered awareness: • Sit comfortably and take three deep breaths, concentrating on the rise and fall of your chest as you do so. • Take three more breaths and imagine yourself breathing in light and breathing out color – any color. Feel your body relax and continue this pattern until it feels natural and comfortable. • Now allow your focus to move away from your breath and to any part of your body that draws your attention. If you are not drawn to any particular place, focus your awareness on where you would like to be more present. • Focus on that part of the body. What does it feel like to be there? This activity might feel awkward as most of us are not used to stillness. Many of us are not aware of the link between physical sensation and emotions until our body forces us to be (racing heart + sweaty palms + tense muscles + shortness of breath = anxiety = panic attack). Again, practice makes perfect! • Adapted from Visual Journaling : Going Deeper than Words, by Ganim & Fox -- Yolanda www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org |
AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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