Join us as we take a look at The Art of Extreme Self-Care, by Cheryl Richardson.
Extreme Self-Care can be thought of as "taking radical action to improve my life and engaging in daily habits that allow me to maintain this new standard of living". These things aren't arrogant or selfish, but are the very acts that allow us to continue caring for others. Step Number One: Schedule time for yourself (even if it's 5 minutes) on your calendar, in ink, every day for 6 months. Sound extreme? Welcome to Extreme Self-Care!
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To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting. However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility. Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating. 1. Calm Down- First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it". Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance. Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says. After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective. This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself. 2. Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation. Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners. This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes. After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way. This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship. These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively. 3. Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse. The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved. Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action. This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse. In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same. In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so. 4. Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation. Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book. Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality). Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads. If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today. As we continue on our Scream-Free Marriage journey, we learn another powerful truth about marriage: a good, solid, successful marriage isn't based on your commonalities. Although common interests are helpful in friendships, lasting marriages rely on "personal integrity in the midst of constant change", as Hal Runkel says. Let's explore this personal integrity:
As romantic as the idea is, and as popular as Hollywood has made it to be, our spouse is not meant to "complete" us. We can't rely on our spouse to fulfill our emotional needs any more that we can ask him/her to take care of our physical body. It's simply too much pressure to put on another person and, according to Runkel, "validation is only authentic and lasting when it comes from within". Yolanda's editorial -- true validation and self-worth come from an intimate relationship with creator God. Only He can give your life meaning and worth, and completely fill your Love Bucket so that you're free to pour out that love on your spouse without feeling desperate if he/she is unwilling or unable to give the same in return. That's true "love". Additionally, Runkel suggests that a feeling of trust and safety are not the most important aspects of a marriage. In fact, to the contrary, University of Michigan researchers found a direct link between boredom in marriage (which comes from too much "safety") and lessened marital satisfaction. Shocked? I know! But, if you think about it, no matter how much you might think that you trust your spouse, at some point you have to take a risk at revealing a little bit more of yourself to him/her. Perhaps it's the fact that it's not quite a turn-on when he nibbles your ear (and that you much prefer when he...) or that you've never really cared for her Thanksgiving stuffing (and find out she's never really liked her family's traditional recipe, either). It's this kind of risky self-representation -- without knowing quite how your spouse will respond -- that breathes life, mystery, and adventure into a marriage. Finally, marriage does not mean a oneness where two halves become an indistinguishable whole and where no boundaries are present. Instead, marriage is a union of two complete, whole people who come together to form something bigger than themselves BUT still hold to their separateness and individuality. As U2 so aptly says, "We're one, but we're not the same." As much as we might think that we'd like to be married to someone *just* *like* *us*-- someone who likes all the same things, hates all the same things, and who wants to be together every second of every day -- the reality is that it would suffocate us and bore us to tears. Although these thoughts challenge some of the ideas we might have had about marriage, they completely line up with the truth that we can only be responsible for ourselves in our marital relationship. Give it some thought... Next Week: Truth #3, If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem. -- Yolanda In continuing our conversation about Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage : Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, let's focus on what Runkel calls "some fundamental truths" about marriage.
Let's begin with the first "truth" -- If You're Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection. This truth goes back to my first Scream-Free entry and has to do with emotional reactivity , or "allowing our worst fears or worries to drive our choices, instead of our highest principles" (See my last blog entry for more details about emotional reactivity, or "screaming"). This anxiety-driven reactivity usually results in the outcome we feared happening in the first place (disconnect, pain, accusations, etc.). Instead, Runkel suggests that we focus on ourselves- what drives our desires and fears, and what our contribution to any problems in the relationship might be. Sounds like a lot of work, right? Well, it is... but it's worth it. Many times, we want to focus on our spouse. That's the "easy" way out, but this leads to getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse meet our emotional needs, getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse happy (just to make our lives easier, because living with him/her in misery is making us, well, miserable), getting angry when we cannot "get" our spouse to make changes in the relationship, and/or getting angry when we cannot "make" our spouse take on more responsibility around the house. The problem is, we cannot really "make" anyone else do anything. We can only be responsible for ourselves. Besides, deep down we don't really want to "make" our spouse do anything. We want our spouse to want to make changes of his/her own free-will. The solution to becoming more under control is to become more self-centered; that is, to focus on yourself during an intense situation and remain calm so that you can create the space that you need to interact with your spouse from your own deepest love and convictions, NOT out of your emotional reactivity (or "screaming"). The good news is that creating this space (or pause, calm, inner peace...) invites your spouse to do the same. As difficult as it might be in the beginning, after putting this self-pause into practice a few times, you begin to relate with your spouse in an entirely different way. It takes ONE person making that FIRST STEP. It's not easy, but few things in life that are really worth it are. Obviously, this is an abbreviated version of the concept. I really would recommend getting the book and following along through this series. Feel free to post any questions or comments you might have. Next week... Truth #2, It's Not What You Have in Common, It's What You Have Inside. Until then, Yolanda My husband and I are celebrating 16 years of marriage this month. This is also our “dating anniversary”, with our first date taking place 21 years (!!) ago. We’ve been together longer than we’ve been apart in our lives! Our relationship at this moment is solid – we’re continuing to build our love for and intimacy with each other - but there was a time not too long ago that I wondered how I would survive being married to my husband “’til death do us part.” I can assure you that he felt the same way about me. So, what change makes me think we can make it? We’re growing up. *sigh*
Growing up is hard to do, and so is being a grownup when things get tough. It’s much easier to react (or withdraw) out of intense emotions than to hit the pause button, stay connected, and study my part in a conflict- facing it head-on. This is what Hal Runkel, LMFT addresses in his new book, Scream Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer. So, what exactly is emotional reactivity? Can I be “Scream Free”?? Here is a list of the top 5 ways Runkel says we “scream”(if not on the outside, then on the inside), or become emotionally reactive in marriage: 1. We scream – literally. This is the most common form of reactivity, and is usually done as a way to protect ourselves when we’re feeling unloved, unappreciated, disrespected, and hurt. Unfortunately, the “it” that we’re losing when we’re “losing it” is our adulthood, as well as the maturity it takes to handle the situation. But maybe you don’t scream out loud. Maybe, for you, “screaming” is… 2. Distancing ourselves in an effort to protect ourselves. The idea is that distancing will prevent the explosion in #1, or any other uncomfortable confrontation and emotional pain. Unfortunately, emotional distance becomes the new norm for the couple and precludes any deep connection or true intimacy. This may appear functional, but only superficially. The relationship may stay “peaceful,” but it’s a cold war type of peace. 3. We cut ourselves off completely. This is distancing on steroids. Think divorce here. The problem is that it doesn’t work… even if you’re able to cut off future contact (which won’t happen if you have children), there will always be an emotional history. 4. We fall into an overfuntioning/underfunctioning pattern in the relationship. One person takes on a majority of the responsibility, until resentment kicks in. Or, until the “underfuntioner” steps up, and then the “overfuntioner” is anxious about losing her “role”. 5. We triangulate – a fancy way of saying that we pull a third party into the two-party relationship in order to relieve the anxiety in the relationship. Picture the wife calling her mom to complain about her husband or the couple who doesn’t talk about anything other than their children. This is an attempt for the two to avoid addressing the issues between them, which blocks intimacy. Continue to learn more about Runkel’s tips on remaining calm in the face of conflict and thereby building intimacy by checking our Renewal Blog each Wednesday at http://www.liferenewalcounseling.org/renewal-blog.html Here’s to growing up! ----Yolanda I was sitting in Chick-Fil-A recently, having just finished my chicken noodle soup, and had a few minutes to people-watch. I tend to be especially observant when it comes to interactions between parents and their children, in hopes of adding new ideas to my "tool box" to help my clients.
This day, however, I felt like I was riding a time machine as I watched a dad try to get his two young ones out of the playground. Particularly, the memory that collided through my mind was my being several months pregnant with my second child while trying to coax my oldest, 2 years old at that time, into leaving. The scenario I witnessed recently ended with dad raising his voice, making a scene, and picking up one screaming child while pulling the other screaming child behind him. The scene that occurred more than a dozen years ago that I flashed back to ended with ME yelling, creating a scene, and CLIMBING UP INTO THE PLAYGROUND (pregnant belly and all) to drag my darling child down and out of the restaurant. Oh, the joys of discipling in public. Where everyone is watching. And you wish the whole earth would swallow you up. I often tell my clients that I don't claim to do the parenting thing perfectly, and heavens knows that my kids are not perfect-- but I've made enough mistakes to warn about what NOT to do, and studied parents and kids enough to get an idea of what can work. Here are some thoughts. Please feel free to add what has worked for you. 1. Be non-reactive. Kids are experts in picking up on your emotional state. Like our canine furry friends, they can smell fear (and anger, desperation, etc.) a mile away, so it's very important to keep a handle on your emotions. Remaining calm reminds them who is in charge. 2. Keep it down. Children are intrigued by adults talking very quietly-- probably because they expect us to yell. Using a quiet, calm voice will help them listen as you voice your expectation of them, along with the resulting consequence. Also, I happened to stumble upon a little "psss, psss" sound that somehow catches my kids' attention every time... even now. It's been very handly to use to get their attention from across the room to give them "the look". 3. Keep it under wraps. The idea of discipline is not to embarrass the child, especially in public. Save the intense discipline and implementation of consequences for a private place. Before you discipline, make sure the behavior you are expecting is age and child appropriate -- that you're not disciplining out of embarrassment, expecting a 3 year old to sit still during a 4 course meal, or asking your tired 5 year old to go on a shopping marathon. You can be sure that your child will test limits, especially in a public place, to see if your boundaries remain firm. It's not usually fun, but is survivable. What are your tips for handling misbehavior in a public place? Let's continue on our topic of boundaries and discuss work issues. In our society of constant contact and mobile devices-- in addition to the a struggling economy where the thought of finding a new job might be terrifying -- maintaining appropriate boundaries in the workplace can be difficult. According to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, in their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life, there are nine boundary problems that can occur in the workplace:
1. Getting stuck with others' responsibilities. There is a fine line between being a "team player" and being taken advantage of. The difference is being responsible to others vs. being responsible for others. An occasional favor is one thing, but if you're routinely doing another's work, you must calmly express your "no" to your coworker. Don't try to explain, argue, or justify. 2. Working too much overtime. This is a good time to review your job description and decide how much overtime is healthy for you and your family. Then, make a list of tasks you are responsible for over the next month and plan to meet with your boss to discuss which ones are a priority. Focus on those priorities and let the rest go. There will always be more work than hours in a day. 3. Misplaced priorities. You will be a more effective worker if you prioritize your tasks and do them to the best of your ability. Saying no to the unimportant keeps the important top-notch. 4. Difficult coworkers. Remember that you only have the power to change yourself, so you must see yourself and how you relate to the difficult person as the problem. Focus on changing your reaction to the other person. 5. Critical attitudes. If you're especially sensitive to others' criticism, you may become hooked on getting the critical person in your office to "like" you... or at least become less critical. This is where your boundary and not "owning" that criticism comes into play. Avoid trying to win this person over or arguing with them. You'll never win. Instead, consider other options, such as confronting, following your company's grievance policy, or limiting your interaction with this person. 6. Conflicts with authority or coworkers. This might stem from unresolved boundary issues with your parents (or other authority figures) and/or siblings. 7. Expecting too much from work. Work is work. Although you might have friends at work, these relationships are generally not intended to provide primary nurturing, or be the only source of love, acceptance, and approval. ** Note: not having firm boundaries and investing too much emotionally in work relationships can also lead to affairs and be destructive to relationships outside of work. 8. Taking work-related stress home. When we don't face work issues directly, we tend to take negative emotions home which, in turn, also take time and energy away from loved ones. 9. Disliking your job. We were all created for a specific purpose. If you are continually unhappy with your job, you might not be fulfilling your life's calling. Determine your boundaries -- what defines "you" and "not you" -- and assess whether a career change or going back to school are in order. This might seem scary, but it's worth it! Remember, the best place to discover and practice boundaries is in a safe, supportive environment. If it's time to work on your boundaries, find that safety and support at Life Renewal. Recently, Jennifer posted about family systems ("Like" Life Renewal Counseling on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-Renewal-Counseling/332455189742 to read more), and how making a positive change in yourself positively affects the family system. Nowhere is this more true, or more difficult, than with our family of origin -- the family we grew up in.
Let's face it... both the healthy and unhealthy boundaries we have were learned in our family of origin, and because these boundaries have been instilled in us from birth, these boundary conflicts are very difficult to change. Difficult, but not impossible, and instilling firm and loving boundaries with your family of origin can help ease holiday conflicts and keep you from feeling like a child every time you walk into your parents' home. In their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend detail how to go about making this change: 1. Identify the Symptom -- see where you have areas of conflict with your parents and siblings. 2. Identify the Conflict -- areas of failed boundaries include not enforcing consequences on others' behaviors, or being responsible for someone else, rather than to that person. 3. Identify the Need that Drives the Conflice -- what is the underlying reason you allow your boundaries to be violated? For example, in your parents' house did disapproval mean a removal of the relationship or conditional love? 4.. Take in and Receive the Good -- once you've identified your needs, you are responsible for seeking a safe place and safe relationships to get those needs filled. 5. Practicce Boundary Skills -- use your safe place to learn how to set up healthy boundaries for yourself. 6. Say No to the Bad -- while you are building your boundary skills, avoid people who have been abusive, controling, or disrespectful of your boundaries in the past. 7. Forgive the Aggressor -- not doing so keeps you stuck to the hurts of the past. 8. Respond, Don't React -- create space for yourself so that you can control your side of the interactions, which helps maintain your boundaries. 9. Learn to Love in Freedom and Responsibility, Not in Guilt -- God wants our actions to come from a place of love, not a sense of duty or guilt. Love = Freedom. Setting boundaries can be difficult, confusing, and exhausting. Often, others resist our new boundaries, making us question if we're doing the "right" thing. Life Renewal Counseling is a place of safety and support where you can sort out what your boundaries are, exercise your "boundary muscle", and receive encouragement along the journey. -- Yolanda Have you ever considered the power of the voice? God spoke the world into existence (even though he could have merely thought all of creation into being); Christ's words are written in red in the Bible; a kind word can change a bad day. Alternately, a harsh word can be debilitating. Words CAN hurt us. The book of James, chapter 3, details this distinction. Words can be either life-giving or, literally, take a life.
Have you taken time to consider the impact of others' words on your life? How have they breathed life into your difficult circumstances? How have they suffocated you? If we're not careful, others can steal the power of our voice. You have a God-given right to your voice; He intends for you to discover it and use its power to speak life into others' lives. Sometimes, we need help rediscovering our lost voices. That's part of the benefits of counseling. Like the Disney movie The Little Mermaid, has someone stolen your voice? Trust in the Prince of Peace and King of kings to bring restoration. This week I have been reflecting on how human I am in my thought life. Just today I noticed myself feeling critical, jealous, and worried, yet happy and joyful too. I suppose this is why God instructs us to guard our hearts. I have been undisciplined in guarding my heart the last 2 week and when I do that lots of things slip in.
When God says that His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and His ways higher than my way...I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS! Left alone to myself, my thoughts are selfish and the opposite of everything God thinks. Over and over again I allow myself to get lazy in my spiritual life and then wonder why things are coming out of my heart and out of my mouth that I don't like, and-even more discouraging-things that God doesn't like. What is the answer??? I am like Paul. What I want to do I don't do and what I don't want to do, I do every time. Thankfully there is new grace every moment and our God is full of mercy. So, I realize I have wandered, make my confession, and I start over again the next moment. What a gracious God we have! Don't be afraid to look into your heart. Whatever is happening there will determine what's happening everywhere else in your life. If you look in and find something you don't like, God promises to give you a way out. Be Encouraged, Jennifer |
AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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